A fear called Acrophobia

I dont noe how i came to have this phobia. But it become my phobia when im in sec sch. When in high places with nth for support, i will feel very tense, nervous and scare. I will feel breathless and my palm will be sweaty. It was a phobia tht i wished tht it wont surfaced forever. But then it surfaced ytd. It make me feel kinda weak and useless in front of them. Im angry at tht me and at the same time at them for making it surface again. I was stoned for a few minutes after tht incident and tht fear nvr disappear for a long time. Im still having tht fear now.

This somehow caused me to feel so fucked up and moody tdy. I dont wna tok to ppl and juz wished tht they left me alone to collect on my thoughts and feeling. Looking back at tht incident still send a shiver down my spine. Everyone has a fear tht they want to keep hidden and nvr let it surface forever and im no exception. Wna cry out but the tears juz wont flow out. Is God saying i shld be braver than this? I know im not the bravest but im trying my hardest to be the best for you guys. Cuz you all show me the way i shld go and make me realise tht i still have friends in this world.

My moodiness caused by this juz make me seem like a fucking retard tht dont wna talk to ppl. And the organic chemistry pract and all the pract for this course is making me seem like some stupid dumb ass who knew nuts abt science and causing ppl to think im juz plain lazy and not wanting to help them. If i had known my poly life would suck to the max i would have juz applied for a course at SHATEC whr i will learn culinary skills. Even though i cnt be the one tht detect the poison in food. I can still bring joy to ppl who eat my food.

One of my friend say this to me and even though i rebutted her. In my heart i know tht what she said is right. She said tht if you dont like this course/modules whatever you do you wont succeed. She is right in telling me this. But i wna do smth abt my fucking course. Get a good GPA. Is Helen Keller not right in saying this? When one door closed another door opened but often we look so long and so regretfully at the closed door tht we failed to see the door tht had opened for us. Is she not right in saying this. Cuz i lose the chance to study at TP and NP but then there is no door for me to go through. Juz one small crack in a wall for me to look through and nvr be able to get near it.

Im feeling disillusioned with life and everything here. Nth seem to wrk for me. The only positive thing i gain from this course is knowing a bunch of guy friends which to me is a lucky things. This 5 guys in my class are superb and to me we are like SS501! The gals in my class is oso fantastic but then to me gals are like a poison for me causing me a lot of trouble becuz i dont seem to connect with them unlike all my friends. Im making the hardest to connect with gals. Hope it will succeed.

Toleration is the best gift and worst gift from God

Ashley Tan