Hopeless romantic

I never knew that holding a torch for someone can be so miserable. Whenever i see your photos, i alway ask myself what is it that caught my attention. Each time the answer is always cheerfulness and cute. I think im a shallow person but when something as serious and sacred as love and relationship are concerned. Looks, boobs and figures are all thrown away. There are no such things as forever and that also apply to look and figures.

A conservative guy like me takes a serious approach to love. To me love is something so important but at the same time fragile that if possible i will not break it. Thats the reason why im single. To say it nicely im romantic person, to put it bluntly im a fool! Because i have a dogma that is if im in a relationship, i will make it my first and last. I like the idea of wedding my first love! I hope that you know too.

I love you with all my heart! You mean everything to me! What am i to you?

I catch a grenade for you

How i wish life don't give us options. Making us choose from 2 options. Yes/No Right/Wrong When there is only one answer to it. I knew it and will stand by it. Not gonna be sway by anythings that may make me change my decision.

2 weeks! Thats the time when i will ask you out for a date. The time to prepare it. The time to prepare myself to ask you out. Love is not blind! Because i saw with my eyes and heart what a nice, lovely and sweet gal that you are. I won't back off now. Its now or never. The time should coincide with our first meeting. My first time mustering up a courage to ask a gal to be my partner. Hahahah.

I want it to be special. To be memorable. To leave a sweet and lasting impression on your mind. Even for one second i still want to believe that you will reciprocate my feeling for you. I never stop believing in that. I am a stubborn person when love is concern. I can hold a torch for someone so steadfastly and long without changing.

That to me is what love is about. Not changing in the face of adversity. Cuz gal i will catch a grenade for you! And you can count on me like 1,2,3 and i be there!

Shortened Distance

Has our distance become shorter? I still remember the first time i fell for you. I haven't gotten up since then. I know people will chide me for holding a torch for you for like 11 months. But all that doesn't matter. What matter is knowing that you are happy and having a great time. Slowly but surely i know that love will blossom between us. If it haven't then the time hasn't come and i will gladly wait for it to come and for you to turn around and smile at me.

I am a guy that never admit defeat. So a rejection doesn't means anything. It just means that you aren't ready yet and wanna know me more. We just take things slowly and maybe my love for you will be reciprocate. Your smile is just like sunshine. A dosage of it never fail to light up my day. Your eyes are like a maze i lost myself while staring at it. Your hairstyle whatever you say about it. I still find it beautiful.

Whenever i make a wish i never fail to wish about you wishing that you will think about me like i think about you. And if we think of each other at the same time. That will be the happiest thing ever.

Ok enough about it, Onto my school life, Its been quite sucky and not that fantastic. Been group with the repeat students like myself and seniors. Not that they are bad. But specifically speaking i can't really start a conversation with them. Not chummy at all!! When doing projects we can discuss about things and so on. But after that when its over. I am the only one left out. Is it becuz that im a guy or is it becuz i never really try to talk to them and warm them to me?

The worst part is that i need to deferred another year for NS! That is a bummer. I was hoping of doing NS with all the people around my age. But nonetheless i will challenge it. To make sure i get enlisted with them whatever it take.

You are the mirage that never should exist. So mesmerising that i just couldn't bear to destroy it. I know im foolish. But who aren't! There are no reason for falling in love with someone. The only reason shld be her personality.

But your Hot n Cold action make me feel lost and confused. Im at loss as to what i shld do. I just don't understand why you don't treat me the same as i treat you. I know that you can't expect someone to love you the same as you love her. But your actions are making me confused.

Is it all an illusion or do i really stand a chance to win your heart. I always think that by going slow you will notice me and remember me. But its like impossible. You never really take the initiative to talk to me. Its was always me that does it. And im tired of that. Cuz im afraid that you find it irritating but on the other hand i wna let you know i never did forget you.

Why is it so difficult to take the initiative to talk to me? I dont think i fit in the category that gals dislike. Or do you like baddies? I try my hardest to make you happy. Think of ways so that i can meet you. But all this were struck off by your indifference.

So is it true that gals would run away from guys that make them happy and run towards the guys that make them cry? Its just a sad truth. Im unsure whether you are in the former. But your action make it seem like so.

But i dont want to give up until you had say a flat No straight at my face.

Different Path

While other ppl are thinking about destinations like China, UK and Australia. Im only thinking about one destination and that is your heart.

I don't really care about IAP where you get to go oversea for attachment. It doesn't really matter to me where i work cuz im not working in the science field anyway. I got my eyes set on a degree in Hospitality and Tourism Management in SMU. So the only place i wna go is your heart.

All the roads lead to a place. It just a matter of where you wna go. There was once i thought my future lie away from here.

Changes are imminent but i just hope that i won't turn into someone unrecognisable that even i dont even know myself. Somehow i feel that im currently standing in a fork road thinking about which road to take. Each road will lead to a seemingly different destination.

I hope that you are ok. Cheer up gal. Everything will be alright. Believe in ppl again.

No Promises

There a things called affinity and fate. I was skeptical of it at first but then when you appeared, i suddenly began to believe in it. Cuz i didn't notice you at first but it was your two friends that caught my eyes. It could be that their dancing skills make me go whoa!

Then when during the last 2 rehearsals before the event. I mustered the courage to ask you to be my dance partner. I didn't realised i could be so brave to do that. And with the time spent with you dancing and the physical interaction during the dance which from a shy, barely touching arm clinging to finally clinging our arm together make me realised that i had fallen for you.

The cheerfulness and bubbly personality was something that could add color to my quiet and peaceful life. Thats why im relentlessly talking to you when you online and also thru smsing. Seems like that idea backfired cuz you are going further and further away from my sight. What shld i do before you will be back in my sight again?

Is being honest, quiet and goody-two shoes wrong? It bought nothing but trouble to me during my sec sch life. Being bullied everyday is nth new, being make used by others (Thats the only way i thot i can feel that i belong), eating alone during recess is everything that make me what im tdy. Maybe its my naivety, thinking that by being quiet and suspicious of others will prevent me from being hurt again.

And my luck with gals is always at the other end of the scale. You too seem more interested in talking with my friends than with me. Is it becuz of my shy nature that caused it or is it becuz you don't like talking to me. I tried my best and i got nothing. Im scared of rejection and also the fear of pouring my heart and soul at the wrong person. Becuz im still single from then till now becuz i want to find my first love who will also be my last.

You could say im stupid but then with marriage in mind when dating. I will be doing my utmost for this relationship. Giving my best and pouring all my heart and soul to maintain it. A relationship is all about giving and taking. it also is also about tolerating the others flaws.

For you i am willing to do it. Friends say that im too quiet and i don't deny that. But for you im willing to be vocal and outgoing. And maybe smile more to brighten up your day. So won't you give me a chance if i decide to confess to you. This is fate becuz you are not the type of gal i like (I gt a thing for tanned gal) but still i fall for you. Its your personality that attract me and your look is something that enhance the personality. For now, good luck for your O lvl.

Face Value

Perfect and imperfect, two different words with two vastly different meanings. But why is it that we are are stubbornly holding on to the former instead of the latter? Becuz we are a proud animal. I don't deny that im not one of them. We always think that perfect is always the best word to describe ourselves. But then we failed to realised that even the best have also erred. So what make them think that they are perfect! If we are imperfect than what give us the right to expect a better showing from other people!

Beauty a word that can describe alot of things. For us, it is always about look, look and still look. But then we failed to see that if we look at a different perspective the so-called beauty also have an ugly side. A person that is beautiful from the inside is really the most beautiful. It something that even me still think otherwise. Becuz we see things at face value and failed to see that there are something more important than look.

Friends are those that will take the bus with you when your Ferrari broke down. True enough. Real friends will take the time and effort to help you when you are in trouble and lend you a shoulder or listening ear when you are down. Im fortunate to have this kind of friends. But me, im not a true friend. Im petty, impatient, unhelpful and wickedly make use of other people misery for my own entertainment. I can also be demanding and expect alot from them. What rights have i to be in their company when i myself is not even half as good as them.

Killing Xen

What do i lived for? What is the purpose and meaning that keep me going forward? This questions keep popping in my mind. I really don't know the reason for it. Many times i asked myself why am i in this body? Is this world real or is it imaginary? Till now i can't answer it.

In a philosophical sense. This world can be real and imaginary. Its really how you see it. For me sometimes its real, other times it kind of imaginary. Its sometime too confusing for me to handle.

Im an indecisive person. I can't make up my mind on everything. Even whether matters of the heart. I sometime chided myself for that. Is it so hard to make up my mind on things? The answer is YES! Becuz i always think alot and think up different consequences that my decision may bring.

Now it had blown my chance to be with her. Times passed and we had not talked. Its like we had become strangers overnight. Its my fault as much as yours. My eagerness had destroyed it and that had led you to back off from it.

If i have a time machine, i will turn back time and told you face to face. My feelings for you.

Reality does not matter if i was hugged by you!

My Curve Ball

I knew that when the spotlight shone on me, it will be me alone who has to do the catching up. Its one of the many curve balls that life throws at me. I just gotta do my best to catch it, learn from it and hopefully it will not happen again.

I have my fair share of misery. I wallowed in it before. I never learnt from it. Thats my biggest regret. If i had learnt from it. Thing may have changed for the better.

I remember how i once make used of my misery to turn it into a weapon to drive myself to study harder. But that had not happened now. Is it becuz the magic had worn off. The divine power that i once thought God bestowed upon me. To make me realise that i can achieve whatever i want if i work hard enough.

Can you turned around and told me that its just a dream. A nightmare that i will wake up if you kiss me on the cheek. But you were not there anymore. And i have to find a way to make myself wake up.

Pls don't go away. You were the one i been finding so long and hard. Your giving me the cold shoulder is like a shock reminder that things were never meant to be the way i wanted. Just give me one smile, one sweet and cheerful smile to let me reminisce while i wait at second base waiting for you to realise my importance in your heart.

I say Yes

I know i have erred on numerous occasions. But why did that one mistake condemned me to a place that feels unfamiliar. I feel indignant and defiant by what had happened. Things still haven't sunk in yet. But it will be put in place now.

Every conversation, every email, every innocent question is like a reminder of my mistake. But it is my nature to conceal my feeling within me. Letting no one knows about it. I am akin to a porcupine that defend itself against the enemies.

Now i have gradually tell myself to accept the fact and just move on. It doesn't really matter. If someone can give me encouragement. It will really spur me on.

When i see you, i feel a sense of comfort and my heart sense a tinge of happiness. You are like the sun that never fails to brighten my day even if it was only for a split second.

Cheerfulness, extrovert and pretty face never fail to make my heart skip a beat. When i get to know you better,i realise i have fallen for you. I think im someone who fall in love easily so im kinda confused as to whether my feeling for you is love. I really hope it is. As i really find your cheerfulness mesmerizing and your eyes and smile just added on to the wow factor.

The Kiss and Xen

Blighted by catastrophes, pulled back by misgivings, undone by foolishness and overcome by uncertainties. They are just like a broken record that keep playing over and over again in my life. Maybe its just the basis or foundation with which a life journey is build upon.

Gotta feeling that darkness will engulf and blinded me. Hope its not true. But if its true, i will want to take a long last look at you for your the one that i loved. Your the elusive mystery that i always wanna know better. But im always stop by my uncertainties. Its make me think of numerous scenarios that have me failing. Its really a big taboo for guys. To be scared of rejection. Don't be scared of rejection Ash! I will stay at second base waiting for you to look back at me.

If things go my way, you will be mine already. But blame it on my indecisiveness about whether i have feeling for you. Becuz when i realised i fallen for you. its just too late, we have both taken a different path. Regrets are for the weak, i dont regrets. I want to think of a way to talk to you again hoping that will help mined a new path for you and me to walk tgt.

Seems like its me that haven't put you down. I hoped against hope that a gal will walk by and completely take my breath away but it had not happened. Becuz my breath is taken away by you. My ship had anchored on you, preventing me from leaving.

I can't be in your past, but i can be with you in the present and we can work tgt for a blissful future.

You haven't left my heart

I don't think i have bluff myself for this long. Nothing can correct the wrong to right. I just have to live with this lie that i woven for myself and for everyone. Each passing day brings to me added stress. I am not adept in making choices. I have always make the wrong choice. A taurus is someone who take their time when making choices and don't make a choice on an impulse. But me i have been very impulsive when making choices thus sometime i made choices that i tend to regret later.

But all those impulse choices never prepared me for this one that will top my list of regretted choice. And my actions to accept this choice had been half-hearted. Temptations always seem to prey on me. To them, i am an easy target. Cause i have a weak mind that succumb to them easily. Thus it had always stop me from making a full- hearted action.

Maybe that kinda explain why my life journey is very bumpy without any big achievement. Even something simple like love had elude me. I am someone who is proud, stubborn and willful. So this type of setbacks had hit me hard. I don't concede defeat easily but then i don't make any concrete action to justify my will to turn a defeat into a win. So what's the point of having a strong will to win when you don't take any action.

My setbacks in love had really hit me very hard. My optimism for love is now wavering and i am really unsure whether i should make known my feeling to a certain gal. After all that i tried to do and the reply she given. I am skeptical about it.

Despite all the claims that i made about liking pretty gal. i finally realised that what i am looking for in a gal is not really about looks but about her personality and spiritual. Its that infectious cheerfulness that will infect me. And also a gal that has a compassion for themselves as well as for others. She sees the good in people regardless of how bad they are. If a gal with fits that criteria i will most certainly go gaga over her. If she is tanned and had long luscious hair and also a pair of eyes that are beautiful. It will be an added bonus.

Love at first sight or love that grow over time? For me it will be the latter. I don't believe in love at first sight. Cause what you see is their physical appearance and not their inner self. I tend to believe in spending time with a gal so that i can get to know her better before i will know whether i like her. Maybe the feeling you get when you first met her is the most genuine. But attracted and falling in love is two different matters.

Mostly people will choose the former. Because they got the fluttering feeling and an intuition that tell them that its the one. Genie Zhuo is one such person that believe in it.

My setbacks in love hit me hard. And it is because i can't forget and put it down easily. If i know its her from that moment. I will devote myself to her and her alone. I can't forget her easily. So what should i do now? Ask her out or try to forget her?

On another note, i am going to save money to learn street jazz and house. Its just another step up in my process to be the same as her.

My eyes can't seek you

I am not the kind of guy that will alway joke around with gals. I don't have alot of talents to show you. I tend to sweat alot and my hands always shake. I can't take a good picture but still love to take picture. I am not a confident person. My articulation and pronunciation is not too good and i tend to slur when i talk cause i speak very fast.

But when i met you, your cheerfulness make me open up faster to a gal than i had expected. From that moment i knew that it had gotta be you and no one else. Caused your the second person who had infected me with her cheerfulness. I may not have alot of talents but i am going to learn dancing and hope it will be a talent that will make me be on par with you. My hands may sweat and shake alot but i am looking at way to keep it at the minimum. Your cheerfulness make me want to be the confident person that a taurus is supposed to be. And i know that when i look you in the eyes when i talked i will be able to speak slowly and confidently. You unknowingly gave me confident.

I may not be able to say jokes to make you laugh. But i will do something to make you feel happy every week. So that you will always feel happy and blissful. If you only want the moon, i will give you the whole sky. I will always shower you with unconditional love.

I thought if i always talk to you then it will make it easier for me to make known my feeling for you. But you just feel it as a source of irritation and a nuisance. Somehow, this make me feel hurt. I told myself that i will not think of you. But my mind is practically swarmed with your face. I know that it is not infatuation but an unrequited love.

If only you let me in your life sooner. Then i will be able to say I Love You without much difficulty. But now i can't even talk to you even though i have the urge to do so. I don't want you to see me as an irritating person.

There is a love call letting go

Maybe it just not meant to go the way i wanted. I thought i had a chance but then with every action you took, it just make me realised it was just wishful thinking on my part. You just don't treat me the same as i treat you. i always wait with bated breath for you to be online even to the extent of rehearsing what i should say to you. But your reply make me realised you are just not interested. Making me beat a hasty retreat. The farthest distance in the world is i am just right in front of you but you just ignored me.

If that the case then i won't disturbed you! Go on with your life. I should have known, i am meant to be alone in this world. Without any love. I have been rejected before so this is nothing. But why then did i feel a tinge of sadness? I should be immune to it already.

Your cheerfulness is something that is infectious, i just feel happy when i am with you. Your the second person to make me feel this way. I thought i had forgotten about this cheerfulness until you came. Its something that attracted me and it just complement my character which is quiet and soft-spoken.

As the time spent together get longer, i just couldn't help but fall deeper and deeper into the cliff. Waiting for you to pull me up and admit my presence in your heart. But it just not what i expected. Seem like i am not the person that you seek. Tinge of regret and sadness still linger because the stature you hold in my heart is very high but it won't stay long caused i know that if i love you i should let you go. You should be with the one you loved. Hope you will find him.

A battered soul

Fucking low lying creature who don't fucking give a damn to the pain you inflicted on people who trusted you whole-heartedly. If there is a knife in front of me. I swear i will stabbed you in the heart and twist it a full round before pulling it out. The knife that is dripped with blood will be licked off clean by me. Tasting the metallic taste of your blood. Just give me a satisfaction that really know no boundary.

Don't think that you can get away from the hurt you inflicted on me. Cause i will gonna get my revenge. I swear that i will let you have a hellish time. You will beg me to kill you. But NO i will slowly tortured you, cutting you limb by limb finger by finger. The sound of knife cutting your bone and the scream coming out of you will be the ULTIMATE price for the pain and hurt you give me.

All of you might think im a sadistic. But then again you are not me. So dont fucking pass judgement about me. You are not me, you dont know the life i had gone. The hellish time that was given to me. The misplaced trust in people. The cold steely gaze that still send a shiver whenever i think about it.

If i can't get my revenge then Heaven will. Karma is something that i believe in. BEWARE cuz God is watching.

Responsibility

Simply put, you believed that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy.

Wayne Dyer

We tend to shirk from our responsibility and blame it on other people. We think that by making a clean break from this matter then we will be alright. But truth is it will only make us worse. Because deep down, we know that its our fault. So why can't we take the first step of owning up and give ourselves a peace of mind knowing that we have done the right thing by owning up and taking responsibility of the matter. And thus we will be happy!

I absolutely abhor people who are in the wrong but they blame in on other people and shirk responsibility from it. Shirking from responsibility is akin to saying you are not at fault when you are clearly at fault.

Take me as an example, i failed 2 modules, cried my heart out but in the end. I still take responsibility for it. Not because i was obliged to. But because i think i never study my hardest. I never really put my heart and soul into it when im studying that why i failed.

I know i will eventually succeed if i take responsibility for what had gone wrong cause if you take responsibility you will take charge of your life and change.

Apathy a path most troddened

Man's personality can't be changed within one day. The mentality to change the personality must be consistent and maintained. There a saying, Rome isn't built in one day. It is the same. So a personality can't be changed with a flick of the fingers. I can't possibly change in one day, one month or one year. I need many years to be able to change that.

People tend to say to me, eh don't be emo larh!/ talk lerh! In my mind i was like saying im trying. why can't you see that! They just accept things at face value.

I admit i tend to be quiet most of the time but i can be talkative too. I just need to see whether there a need for me to. Maybe its because i am a Taurus that why i tend to be quiet and keep to myself. And the time taken to adapt to a new surrounding has make me immune to talking to people. So i might as well just don't talk and talk when need to.

To me talking is like a chore and is taking a toil on me. Sometime even if i try to talk to somebody i don't get a reply. Its like you muster up the courage to open a door labeled danger and when you opened it you bump your head into a cold steel wall. It just left me hurt physically and mentally. So gradually i develop a thinking of letting other people talk to me before i will talk to them. I will not speak if no one speak to me. Why let myself get hurt again by the cold steely gaze and being ignored when i tried to start a conversation with someone.

I know you all are lucky to be well-received by people wherever you go. So you won't understand or feel the pains that were inflicted on me times and again. It just left me disoriented and disillusioned with the need to talk to somebody.

Environment can change a person. In my case it make me clammed up and become quiet. Because my mind want to protect me from any more harms that the environment will inflict upon me.

I admit it had make me become someone who have different masks. You may say im a hypocrite. I will hide my true feeling beneath a face that is smiling. I have learn that to protect yourself, you must never show your true feeling to anyone. You never know when they will use it against you.

But my fragile heart will somehow divulge a little about what im thinking. So it really pissed me off that all the efforts to maintain that mask is always undone by a fleeting moment of guilt and make my real feeling known to everyone. I really hate having a heart that manipulates me into doing things that make everyone happy but making me feel worse and worse. Why can't i have a heart of apathy so that i won't feel the pain when i do something that are condemned by everyone.

Its really suck being a good guy! Good guy are always the one having the worst lot. Their path are already decided to be playing second fiddle to the bad guy. Tv dramas always make the bad guy who reformed having the gal while the good guy who do everything for the gal end up having nothing. It really suck big time!

I know that whatever i do, my fragile heart of empathy will make sure it will benefit everyone.

All things come to naught for the one whose heart is full of empathy and is the most fragile

Tears are meant to fall

The word crisis when written in chinese have two characters. One represents danger while the other represents opportunity. This is a quote by John F. Kennedy. It means that while crisis is a bad thing, it may also be an opportunity in disguise.

Many a time, we tend to see crisis as something bad. Confucius once say that gems can't be polished without friction nor man without trials. We all need to go through trials and tribulations before we become a better person. But somehow, we all think of adversity as something bad, something revolting which we don't welcome into our lives. But we all need it to change ourselves in one way or another.

If life is smooth sailing, then it wouldn't be life. Cause God always want us to be better than before. He want us to know what adversity is like so that we know we have flaws and will change it.

No one is flawless or infallible. Keep that in mind! But we can make the flaws less of a hindrance in our lives. Thats what adversity is meant to do. It helps us see what we fail to see. Which is the many flaws that are living in us. And let us think about what we can do to keep it at the minimum.

I have gone through alot of adversities and im growing, shining as the trials polished me again and again. I have my fair share of tantrums and tears when it happen. But then i find my focus and i remember that we all need to go through the bitterness of adversity to really taste the sweetness that come after it. And we gained alot more after that.

Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus.

Robert Brault

Changed for the better

I have changed. That is something that i noticed about myself. Being more vocal and cheerful. One year can change alot of things. And it had changed my personality. Maybe it still can't change the introvert in me which will always be with me regardless of what happen and also the nervous wreck that i always am. But what had changed is that i opened myself when im around my classmates and friends. Even though the shyness is still intact it has not interfered with the fun that is going on.

Being a taurus, im someone who does not like changes cause that means i need to adapt to a whole new environment again. That is why i tend to be withdrawn and keep to myself. As i need time to adapt and constantly give myself the morale boosting words of encouragement so that i won't be lost in this world. But now that i have finally adapt, i can finally be more vocal and open. Unlike last year where i generally keep to myself. Cause i find it hard to engage in a conversation with someone.

I finally know that my friends will always be there for me regardless of what happened. Just like my family, they will always support me and encourage me. That is what i have learn from the past one year.

But even if everything about me changed, one thing will not change. That is my heart. It will always have love, empathy and selflessness. And it will always beat faster when a hot gal walk past. Haha. Thats for sure. It is a living radar for identifying hot gal!

The Past, the future

Fighting the storm in my heart. I don't wanna continue the mistake of falling in love now. I need to meet her which is gonna be hard and change myself continuously so that i will be the one to tug the string in her heart when i meet her. No matter how long it take, i will gonna reach the front of the line to be the ideal guy for her. Maybe it is something stupid, foolish and crazy. But for me it is something i want to do. She inadvertently change me and make me realize the power of dream. If i fall in love now, it just means that the willpower in me is not greater than the temptation in me.

爱我好吗？ 就算是一秒也好。 想在你身边说的一句话。你是我的独家快乐！