Killing Xen

What do i lived for? What is the purpose and meaning that keep me going forward? This questions keep popping in my mind. I really don't know the reason for it. Many times i asked myself why am i in this body? Is this world real or is it imaginary? Till now i can't answer it.

In a philosophical sense. This world can be real and imaginary. Its really how you see it. For me sometimes its real, other times it kind of imaginary. Its sometime too confusing for me to handle.

Im an indecisive person. I can't make up my mind on everything. Even whether matters of the heart. I sometime chided myself for that. Is it so hard to make up my mind on things? The answer is YES! Becuz i always think alot and think up different consequences that my decision may bring.

Now it had blown my chance to be with her. Times passed and we had not talked. Its like we had become strangers overnight. Its my fault as much as yours. My eagerness had destroyed it and that had led you to back off from it.

If i have a time machine, i will turn back time and told you face to face. My feelings for you.

Reality does not matter if i was hugged by you!

My Curve Ball

I knew that when the spotlight shone on me, it will be me alone who has to do the catching up. Its one of the many curve balls that life throws at me. I just gotta do my best to catch it, learn from it and hopefully it will not happen again.

I have my fair share of misery. I wallowed in it before. I never learnt from it. Thats my biggest regret. If i had learnt from it. Thing may have changed for the better.

I remember how i once make used of my misery to turn it into a weapon to drive myself to study harder. But that had not happened now. Is it becuz the magic had worn off. The divine power that i once thought God bestowed upon me. To make me realise that i can achieve whatever i want if i work hard enough.

Can you turned around and told me that its just a dream. A nightmare that i will wake up if you kiss me on the cheek. But you were not there anymore. And i have to find a way to make myself wake up.

Pls don't go away. You were the one i been finding so long and hard. Your giving me the cold shoulder is like a shock reminder that things were never meant to be the way i wanted. Just give me one smile, one sweet and cheerful smile to let me reminisce while i wait at second base waiting for you to realise my importance in your heart.

I say Yes

I know i have erred on numerous occasions. But why did that one mistake condemned me to a place that feels unfamiliar. I feel indignant and defiant by what had happened. Things still haven't sunk in yet. But it will be put in place now.

Every conversation, every email, every innocent question is like a reminder of my mistake. But it is my nature to conceal my feeling within me. Letting no one knows about it. I am akin to a porcupine that defend itself against the enemies.

Now i have gradually tell myself to accept the fact and just move on. It doesn't really matter. If someone can give me encouragement. It will really spur me on.

When i see you, i feel a sense of comfort and my heart sense a tinge of happiness. You are like the sun that never fails to brighten my day even if it was only for a split second.

Cheerfulness, extrovert and pretty face never fail to make my heart skip a beat. When i get to know you better,i realise i have fallen for you. I think im someone who fall in love easily so im kinda confused as to whether my feeling for you is love. I really hope it is. As i really find your cheerfulness mesmerizing and your eyes and smile just added on to the wow factor.

The Kiss and Xen

Blighted by catastrophes, pulled back by misgivings, undone by foolishness and overcome by uncertainties. They are just like a broken record that keep playing over and over again in my life. Maybe its just the basis or foundation with which a life journey is build upon.

Gotta feeling that darkness will engulf and blinded me. Hope its not true. But if its true, i will want to take a long last look at you for your the one that i loved. Your the elusive mystery that i always wanna know better. But im always stop by my uncertainties. Its make me think of numerous scenarios that have me failing. Its really a big taboo for guys. To be scared of rejection. Don't be scared of rejection Ash! I will stay at second base waiting for you to look back at me.

If things go my way, you will be mine already. But blame it on my indecisiveness about whether i have feeling for you. Becuz when i realised i fallen for you. its just too late, we have both taken a different path. Regrets are for the weak, i dont regrets. I want to think of a way to talk to you again hoping that will help mined a new path for you and me to walk tgt.

Seems like its me that haven't put you down. I hoped against hope that a gal will walk by and completely take my breath away but it had not happened. Becuz my breath is taken away by you. My ship had anchored on you, preventing me from leaving.

I can't be in your past, but i can be with you in the present and we can work tgt for a blissful future.

You haven't left my heart

I don't think i have bluff myself for this long. Nothing can correct the wrong to right. I just have to live with this lie that i woven for myself and for everyone. Each passing day brings to me added stress. I am not adept in making choices. I have always make the wrong choice. A taurus is someone who take their time when making choices and don't make a choice on an impulse. But me i have been very impulsive when making choices thus sometime i made choices that i tend to regret later.

But all those impulse choices never prepared me for this one that will top my list of regretted choice. And my actions to accept this choice had been half-hearted. Temptations always seem to prey on me. To them, i am an easy target. Cause i have a weak mind that succumb to them easily. Thus it had always stop me from making a full- hearted action.

Maybe that kinda explain why my life journey is very bumpy without any big achievement. Even something simple like love had elude me. I am someone who is proud, stubborn and willful. So this type of setbacks had hit me hard. I don't concede defeat easily but then i don't make any concrete action to justify my will to turn a defeat into a win. So what's the point of having a strong will to win when you don't take any action.

My setbacks in love had really hit me very hard. My optimism for love is now wavering and i am really unsure whether i should make known my feeling to a certain gal. After all that i tried to do and the reply she given. I am skeptical about it.

Despite all the claims that i made about liking pretty gal. i finally realised that what i am looking for in a gal is not really about looks but about her personality and spiritual. Its that infectious cheerfulness that will infect me. And also a gal that has a compassion for themselves as well as for others. She sees the good in people regardless of how bad they are. If a gal with fits that criteria i will most certainly go gaga over her. If she is tanned and had long luscious hair and also a pair of eyes that are beautiful. It will be an added bonus.

Love at first sight or love that grow over time? For me it will be the latter. I don't believe in love at first sight. Cause what you see is their physical appearance and not their inner self. I tend to believe in spending time with a gal so that i can get to know her better before i will know whether i like her. Maybe the feeling you get when you first met her is the most genuine. But attracted and falling in love is two different matters.

Mostly people will choose the former. Because they got the fluttering feeling and an intuition that tell them that its the one. Genie Zhuo is one such person that believe in it.

My setbacks in love hit me hard. And it is because i can't forget and put it down easily. If i know its her from that moment. I will devote myself to her and her alone. I can't forget her easily. So what should i do now? Ask her out or try to forget her?

On another note, i am going to save money to learn street jazz and house. Its just another step up in my process to be the same as her.

My eyes can't seek you

I am not the kind of guy that will alway joke around with gals. I don't have alot of talents to show you. I tend to sweat alot and my hands always shake. I can't take a good picture but still love to take picture. I am not a confident person. My articulation and pronunciation is not too good and i tend to slur when i talk cause i speak very fast.

But when i met you, your cheerfulness make me open up faster to a gal than i had expected. From that moment i knew that it had gotta be you and no one else. Caused your the second person who had infected me with her cheerfulness. I may not have alot of talents but i am going to learn dancing and hope it will be a talent that will make me be on par with you. My hands may sweat and shake alot but i am looking at way to keep it at the minimum. Your cheerfulness make me want to be the confident person that a taurus is supposed to be. And i know that when i look you in the eyes when i talked i will be able to speak slowly and confidently. You unknowingly gave me confident.

I may not be able to say jokes to make you laugh. But i will do something to make you feel happy every week. So that you will always feel happy and blissful. If you only want the moon, i will give you the whole sky. I will always shower you with unconditional love.

I thought if i always talk to you then it will make it easier for me to make known my feeling for you. But you just feel it as a source of irritation and a nuisance. Somehow, this make me feel hurt. I told myself that i will not think of you. But my mind is practically swarmed with your face. I know that it is not infatuation but an unrequited love.

If only you let me in your life sooner. Then i will be able to say I Love You without much difficulty. But now i can't even talk to you even though i have the urge to do so. I don't want you to see me as an irritating person.

There is a love call letting go

Maybe it just not meant to go the way i wanted. I thought i had a chance but then with every action you took, it just make me realised it was just wishful thinking on my part. You just don't treat me the same as i treat you. i always wait with bated breath for you to be online even to the extent of rehearsing what i should say to you. But your reply make me realised you are just not interested. Making me beat a hasty retreat. The farthest distance in the world is i am just right in front of you but you just ignored me.

If that the case then i won't disturbed you! Go on with your life. I should have known, i am meant to be alone in this world. Without any love. I have been rejected before so this is nothing. But why then did i feel a tinge of sadness? I should be immune to it already.

Your cheerfulness is something that is infectious, i just feel happy when i am with you. Your the second person to make me feel this way. I thought i had forgotten about this cheerfulness until you came. Its something that attracted me and it just complement my character which is quiet and soft-spoken.

As the time spent together get longer, i just couldn't help but fall deeper and deeper into the cliff. Waiting for you to pull me up and admit my presence in your heart. But it just not what i expected. Seem like i am not the person that you seek. Tinge of regret and sadness still linger because the stature you hold in my heart is very high but it won't stay long caused i know that if i love you i should let you go. You should be with the one you loved. Hope you will find him.