Nth is right in my life!

Today, i study for several hours in the hope tad i cn at least pass my exam. Is it wishful thinking on my part? For it seems like an impossible task when i have failed three modules. The chances is very slim and deep down in my heart i also know that it is mission impossible. I am just making a hopeless struggle to achieve my goal. But this did not deterred me from trying to do the impossible. I am also feeling sick and dizzy but i don't want to stop my revising, its my only way to save my own skin. I always hated the me that always waited till the last minutes before i start my revision. I always tried to overcome it but it is no use. I did not feel the motivation that will make me feel the urge to revise. Only when exam is nearing, then i will be revising feverishly and forgoing my sleep in the process. It always happen again and again and is a cycle that i cannot gwt out of. This caused me to flunk a lot of my tests most recently the three science tests. I feel like i am at the bottom of my life and feel that i am the most useless person in the world. I also cried very bitterly over my failed modules, i have never cried so bitterly over a failed subject before. But this time it caused me so much upset when the truth hit me. I just could not believe it, even though i have not revised thoroughly for it, i should not have failed it. It is no secret that i do not like science and i choose this as a last resort. But i have studied for it and should have been given my dues. Maybe the reason for my crying is because i feel a little unfair and sad. This mixed feelings kinda caused me to have a emotional breakdown. Somehow, i feel that i don't have the energy to continue on this lap anymore. I feel like giving up on this hopeless situation. But i know that my parents will not allow me to give up on this course. So for my parents' sake, i will grit my teeth and finish this course. When things did not go my way, i always ask myself a lot of questions and just want to be alone. I just don't want unnecessary attention toward me and i want to be in my world to have my peace and tranquil that i treasured a lot. Maybe this will make people think that i am acting cool but it is just my not like that. I just want to be alone and collect my thought and readjusting my emotion so that i will not show my true emotion in front of people. Maybe it just a guy nature to put a strong front in front of gals. This time is also the same, i just say in a joking tone that i have 3F for my common test like it no big deal. I don't want people to see me in a different light. A week after i knew my common test result i cried very bitterly. I just want to cried it all out and let myself wallow in misery for one last time before i pull myself together and put up a good fight. But now it just like a hopeless fight to death. Even though i say its hopeless i still want to do it because even though i fail i know that i had given my all and i will not have any regret.

I feel dizzy and have a little fever in such a critical moment. I just crossed my fingers and hope that it won't affect my revision and i will not fainted during exam. I don't want something like this to cause my weeks of revision to be for nothing. Maybe the whole day of studying just cause my brain to be over tired and also caused me to feel dizzy so that i will stop studying and have a little rest. Ask you all something. What the different from studying very hard and study smart? I heard someone saying it on the mrt. I think her explanation is wrong and hearing it caused my blood to boil and i feel very angry about it. She say study smart is you did not study and just play but you still can do pretty well for your exam while studying hard is just plain studying but both got the same result. It just make me feel that it kinda unfair that someone that play hard can have the same or higher marks than those that have revise very hard for it. It like so unfair and just make me feel kinda pissed off by what she said. So what your thought on this? Do tell me about it.

Thanks!

Am i human

Tdy i feel so super awake. I go to Changi Airport T3 to do some revision at nite then in e wee morning ard 6am i take e first bus to go back to Sembawang. My ever reliable study buddy Zulfadli was with me to revise tgt. We were always studying tgt when exam is nearing, so tdy was no exception. But at e T3 we found out tad it was a little noisy than expected as it was Friday night so maybe gt so many ppl wna go and explore T3. I drink one red bull before gg to T3 but found it a little hard to concentrate with all the noise there. I oso had to do a little research for my POE project. It really getting on my nerve as it juz disrupted my revision plan. But nonetheless as the grp leader i have to do a good project and get a good grade for it with my group members. We do some revision before we stop for a break and have a power nap. After tad we do some revision and stop it for e nite. As  it was alr 5am. We have breakfast before we go to e bus stop to wait for e bus to come. Im a little disappointed as i did nt make much progress. But i will nt be deterred by it. I will give it my all for all my modules. Ace it and i will be happy cuz i have done well for smth i did nt have a liking for.

We finally made it back to Sembawang in ard 7 plus and had another red bull before we went home. He say he gg to do some revision before slp while i slp for ard 5o mins on e sofa before bathing and getting ready to meet my grp members for POE project discussion. I did nt feel very well but still push myself to go and meet them at Woodland library. Maybe it was drinking too much water and red bull. My stomach feel a little queasy and i think i gt a little stomach flu. It was making me feel terrible and i really had no appetite to eat lunch. But still i push myself to eat it. I tell myself to eat as it will be my first lunch in 2 days. Maybe it the effect of the lunch, it make me felt a little sleepy after awhile. I found myself falling aslp while looking for info on my lappy. But overall, im an alert person cuz after tad so called nap. I felt a little awake and refreshed. You wont believe it but we stayed in the library until 8 plus. Tad is like so super long. After finishing e discussion for the POE project. I felt like a deflated balloon cuz i felt like all my energy was finally used up and the effect of red bull was finally wearing off.

I had one word to describe my day. TIRED! Cuz i have not really had a good sleep. Maybe today i will sleep until 12pm bah. Haha. I wna feel lazy in e morning!

Tiredd

Tdy i feel so tired. I slp at 3am and wake up at ard 6am. My combined slp time for e past 2 days is even less than 8hrs! Thus i had no appetite to eat when it time to eat lunch. I juz look at my friends eating while my tiredness was slowly eating away my appetite. Then after tad we go to lecture room to revise for our maths test as there still a gd one hr before e test. While they were revising, i was listening to my mp3 and slp. But in truth my eyes is closed but i really cnt slp. Maybe it e coffee tad i was drinking during lunch tad is taking effect. I wna slp siiia but cnt slp. When walking to the mrt st, i was like some drunkard. I walk left and right but nt center. I almost knocked into a pillar. I told myself tad i need to stay awake so i go to Cheers and buy red bull. But after drinking it. I still feel e same. It nt helping at all! When walking to e mrt st i saw some of my classmates but i have no strength to walk up to them or talk to them. Even if they tok to me i might nt have e strength to open my mouth to tok. I like some walking zombie cuz it like my human shell tad walking nt me. I feel so tired and the best part is tmr is  my french test and i have nt even revise yet and now i feel so tired to even touch a book.

Now to something serious. For those of you tad have nt read the news. Taiwan is being hit by it biggest disaster ever. Tornado Morakot had destroyed many part of Taiwan. Notably Kaohsiung Country. I feel for e ppl dere even though im nt a Taiwanese. I feel tad Singapore is e best place ever when it come down to natural disaster as it is a disaster free country. When i was hear e news. My first thought was how cn i help them. I wna fly dere and be part of the volunteer grp tad are helping them. My heart feel for them, eyes brimming with tears. It is the second time in two years after the Szechuan earthquake tad i really cried for e ppl tad are hit by disaster. I think it is very sarcastic tad juz a few days ago, Taiwan was experiencing no rainfall. Then now tis disaster came, maybe im someone tad is very emotional with tis type of things. I really feel like crying when i saw their plight. I hope tad more and more ppl will lend a hand and help them to restore to their original state. I wna raise money for them, but how cn i raise it? Cn someone give me some advice? Please, it will really benefit them and you all will be doing a good deed at e same time.

My Inner Thoughts

Give you all some encouragement for our semester exam. Research had shown tad humans have e same number of neurons which is basically millions and millions of it. So dont doubt urself abt ur ability to do well for ur exam. Cuz if they cn do it so cn you! Cuz they have been working very hard to achieve tad results. If you want to be like them, follow in their footsteps and revise harder than before. Be like me. Now driven with a fiery passion to do well for my semester exam and ace all my modules. You might doubt my ability to be able to achieve it in such a short time. But i will prove to everyone tad hard work really pay off!

Tdy i was feeling so irritated during phy chem revision lecture becuz of some "genius" who like to keep asking qns and some fucking ppl who juz cnt keep their mouth shut while listening to lecture. They made me lose my concentration while listening to e lecture. Fucking asshole want to talk go outside and talk larh. Ppl want to listen and improve if you dont want. Especially me cuz i gt F for it. After the lecture, our class gt a field trip to visit Yakult Singapore. I nvr noe it was so near to my home. It was quite interesting to get to noe more abt how Yakult was made. We get to noe more abt Yakult and it various product in  a so called lecture room. The tour guide then say smth tad almost made me choke on e free yakult i was drinking cuz he say im a Malay. I dunno whether to laugh or wad cuz it was nt e first time someone mistaken me for a Malay. I dunno why they all came to a conclusion tad im a malay. Maybe it was my tanned complexion or is it becuz of my handsome face. Haha. Lol! 

There was smth on my mind while i was walking home. I dunno when it happened but i had nvr looked a gal straight into e eyes while talking to them. One of my friend pointed t out to me while we were on e mrt. This got me thinking it deeply. Before i came to a conclusion. Maybe it was becuz i feel uncomfortable talking to gals so when talking to them i tend to look somewhere else to relieve the uncomfortableness. To tell you all the truth. Im really not a smooth talker when ard gals. I tend to fidget a little when talking to them or does not talk to them at all even when im alone. This may sound weird but it really true. Maybe it is the doing of the hormones in me tad tend to react in a strange way when im ard gals. So dont think of me as weird cuz i really wna talk to them naturally without glitches but it always failed. I trying to do smth abt it but lately im feeling so holed up tad i really wna have some Me time to have a chance to think abt all e problems i have and how i shld solve it. So give me some time and i will really be someone totally different.

SADD!!!

Today i feel so sad. I dunno when i get this feeling. But e fear of failing my modules juz take a toll on me. I dunno whether i cn do extremely well to be able to pass it. Failing one is bad enough but failing three. It make me feel very sad and angry. In front of my classmates, i act like it is no big deal and in a nonchalant way. But deep down in my heart, i was feeling very scared and my heart was actually crying. My bio teacher told me to start doing revision as i told her i only revise for one day. But how could i be able to do that. I know tad im not a science person and asking me to like science and even tis course is hard work. But im trying my hardest. People juz tend to look at e result but nt e process. They saw me getting Fs and juz deduced tad im nt revising hard enough. But im working my HARDEST! I even do night studying for my bio,inorg chem and phychem. Im doing everything i cn to do well. But it juz nt working. Juz now while in e bathroom, i dunno wad happen to me. But i gt tis feeling of helplessness and fear. It caused me to cry so hard and i was like saying everything tad was inside my heart. All e fear, frustration, helplessness and bitterness it juz came out. I dunno why but it juz wouldnt stop and i cried harder and harder. I hated tis type of me. The helpless me. I wna let my parents see me wif gd results wif happy face but each time i only make them feel sadder and sadder. 

Today during sch, i was again laughing at my own result cuz i dowan them to noe that i feel ashamed of my results and look at me in a diff ways. I have pride too! But each time i make fun of my own result i juz got worse and worse. To a point tad i want to run away from there. I dont wna listen to anything science at all. This could oso be why i was so irritated in bio class. Im sorry to any of them if my irritation caused them to be distracted in some way.