Stuck in the past

I will always rmbr tht time in pri sch. Tht memory is etched deeply in my brain and i will nvr frgt it. It was in my 6.2 pe lesson, we were playing a baseball match. Tht incident during tht game will 4ever be the sweetest memory tht i had ever had. It was her turn to hit the ball, as the ball was put using a ball holder and not the usual baseball game whr a person throw the ball and she had to hit it. As i was saying, she was attempting to hit the ball using the bat when i kneel down in front of her to catch the ball when she hit it. I was doing tht to make fun of her as it means her strength is weak and the ball wont fly far. When one of my classmates teased me and say are you kneeling down to propose to her? It invited laughters from all my classmates. I was very embarrassed and so was she.

But even though i was embarrassed i was still a little happy. Maybe it because i was constantly bickering and teasing her tht my feeling for her increased gradually. I was secretly hoping tht she had some feeling for me too. Maybe till now this memory is still etched deeply inside me is becuz she still hold a special place inside my heart, a small little place tht had her as my tenant. Maybe after all this years, my feeling for her still hasnt decreased but still remain the same. To me she is still the loud spoken gal who laugh loudly and always fight with me and would teased me constantly. The gal who sit beside me during class and assembly. The gal who is the same height as me in pri sch. The gal who like Westlife which is oso my fave band and has their album and put it inside her bag.

Regardless of whatever tht happen all this while. I know deep down in my heart my love for her has never change. To other ppl she may be loud and maybe not tht pretty to them. But in my eyes she is cute, pretty and one who talks abt what come into her mind. Tht what i like abt her. Even though she rejected me once i will still wait for the time she will accept me. Maybe till the day i find another gal tht make me feel the same way as i feel abt her. And maybe after i know she is really happy with the one she loved. Then i will stop having this kind of feeling for her. But the place she hold in my heart will still be the same. Cuz i cnt bear to moved her out of my heart as it is akin to severing my one last tie with her.

Embracing the bad

One mistake tht ruin everything. One mistake to put yourself in a realm of stereotypical. Ever go through this before and you know tht it is a terrible feeling. Ppl always say time will solve everything but tht doesnt applied to this. In this world, taking one wrong step will cause ppl to see you in a different light and eyesight. There eyesight are those cold, steely gaze tht can send shiver down your spine. Makin you an outcast in your own class or school. It akin to living in a secular world with no one to talk to.

There's a saying which say when you dont have something. you will really treasure that thing when you really has it. Tht why i really treasured my friendship with everybody. Tolerate and cared for them. Cuz they rescued me from the realm of loneliness and paint my dull world with colors. So i really treasured them. I always like and treasured our time tgt and the outings we had. Maybe at time im not tht open or sporting but im gradually changing. Maybe for you all tht change is not enough but wait patiently cause i will not disappoint you all anymore with my lackluster behaviour.

If there is ever someone who is willing to accept your flaws, doesn't mind your past mistakes and willing to befriend you. Then accept tht person with open hands. Cuz tht person is the dearest friend to you.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Dr Seuss

My way of surviving

All of us have flaws. I dont deny tht im not a perfect person. Man of few words, pessimistic, procrastinator and my articulation when talking are not good and on top of tht i speak fast and soft.

But if my own cliques can tolerate it. I dont see why i cnt tolerate other ppl flaws. Tdy i was deep in thought abt things in a philosophical way. The behaviour of human beings are a fascinating thing. The way we talk, do and behave can inadvertently cause ppl to be disgusted or happy. I always pride myself in seeing the good in ppl. But there are always some ppl who does not give a fucking damn to to my toleration. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile. Seriously they shld do a reflection abt their behaviour. Before imposing their ideas on me. They nvr care abt other ppl feeling. And ppl has to fucking tolerate their attitude.

Who the fuck do they think they are? You want me to tolerate your stupid attitude over and over again. C'mon ppl toleration has a limit. If you want ppl to treat you nicely, you have to treat them nicely first.

But tht is quite a difficult task for them to do, cuz they value their own interests above others. They wont hesitate to sacrifice other ppl in order to achieve their goal. Maybe you all will say tht it is natural or tht is the rule to survive in this merciless world whr helping other ppl is akin to giving yourself a death sentence. But if tht the way to survive in life, then i will wish tht i has never set foot in this world. I will not follow this stupid rule to survive. I have my own set of rules to survive and i will abide by tht.

No more mind games with ppl, playing with ppl feelings, making use of ppl trust in me to gain smth, sacrificing other ppl to achieve my goal. Tht not what my life rules are abt. I always trust ppl entirely with my whole heart. I help them without asking for anything in return. Cuz i believe firmly tht true friendship with a person does not involve having smth in return for my help. And true friendship is always based firmly on trust. If you trust your friend you wont believe what other ppl say abt them. Even if in the end they betray my trust and hurt me. I wont regret what i had done. Cuz at least i once trust tht person with all my heart and tht all tht matter.

You all may say tht im gullible or trusted ppl easily. Tht not true cuz i dont always trust what they say to me. I juz believe in them, believe tht my trust in them wont be lost so easily.

Words have immeasurable power so think before you hurl words at him

Ashley Tan

Day of Reckoning

Common test finally over. Truth to be told, im a little scared of what results i may get. To me all the ppr seem so difficult. I cnt really think abt how i will fared. Will it be a case of deja vu like last sem. I hope not. I crossed my fingers and prayed hard to the God to let me pass it all.

After common test. We got this Christmas Lunch at a familiar place, our physic tutorial room. The food for tht event is Pizza Hut. We were all eating it like there no tmr. Haha. Simply delicious and borrowing a phrase from KFC, Its Finger Licking Good! Haha. After this lunch we got a gift exchange. I was hoping tht i may get Mr TSK present becuz i wna ask or literally brainwashing him to buy me an itouch. Haha. But anw i got a CUTE present courtesy of Jun Poh. The handphone holder is simply cute and i love it! It beat getting tht dustbing from Oktavia. Lol!

After lunch we went shopping in Orchard. I finally know tht Dr. Marten is in Orchard Central and not Orchard Ion! We went to Far East Plaza to shop and i saw a blazer tht i really like. But it cost 89 bucks which was too exp. So gna consider abt it. Then we went to Takashimaya. I was gg there to buy a book which my sis asked me to buy for her. Christmas is really in the air. I can smell and feel it. But the only thing tht left is snow which is literally not gg to happen anytime soon.

Anw i have a wishlist of the things i want to buy so if you all want to buy for me go ahead i not gg to stop you. Haha. Juz kidding. I wna buy this things using my own money cuz i can get the satisfaction out of it.
The things are
Dr. Marten boots
Burberry wallet
2 shirts
1 long sleeved shirt
1 vest
1 blazer
1 tie
necklace
studded bracelet
Bboy cap
new t shirts
Nikon s1000pj
Itouch
Adidas sneaker
skinny jeans

Ray-Ban aviator sunglasses

This is juz for now maybe will have more added to the list. Hopefully i can get them all. Im not materialistic. The clothings are all for cny and the wallet is becuz my current one is gg to break apart soon. The electronic equipments are things which i crave for. Becuz the world is changing and human beings are also changing. So this electronic equipment are smth tht i want to have. The camera is becuz im currently into photography while itouch is smth tht will make boredom go away when you are alone.

Before i frgt i juz saw my F&N teacher, Mrs Hawa in NYP food science lab. Cnt believe i meet her there. Talk to her abit and she say my hair getting longer. Haha. The good boy is turning bad or is it cooler.

Eyes that see the heart

Whenever a gal walk past me. I will inevitably check her out. To see whether she make the grade and is pretty. Maybe it a guy genes that can't be explained. I dont wanna be a shallow person who like a gal becuz of her look. I want to like her becuz of her kindness, intelligent and the way she talk and carry herself.

Shallow is always something that men can never get rid of. To us being pretty is above everything else in our criteria for looking for our other half. But then is it really tht important? What is important is whether she is kind. A gal who is kind but ugly and a gal who dont have any empathy but is pretty. Who will you choose? I think almost all the guys will go for the former. Becuz guys can never resist being with a pretty gal. Im one of them. But im finding myself slowly trying to break away from that mould. I dont like that shallow me, it causing me to see things in a way that is always on appeareance and not smth that is beneath that.

I wanna be a guy who has a pair of eyes tht see the heart. It may help me to judge things in an unbiased ways. People will say that it can't really be done. But if i never try then i will never know. Beauty tht is skin deep is not important in the long run if she doesn;t has a heart to be with me in time of difficulty.

This is something i have realised and gained enlightenment on after being with my group of friends. They make me realised that and i won't forget that so easily. An above average gal is ok if she has a heart of gold.

Beauty can be tempting but it will wear off if it only skin deep
Ashley Tan

A fear called Acrophobia

I dont noe how i came to have this phobia. But it become my phobia when im in sec sch. When in high places with nth for support, i will feel very tense, nervous and scare. I will feel breathless and my palm will be sweaty. It was a phobia tht i wished tht it wont surfaced forever. But then it surfaced ytd. It make me feel kinda weak and useless in front of them. Im angry at tht me and at the same time at them for making it surface again. I was stoned for a few minutes after tht incident and tht fear nvr disappear for a long time. Im still having tht fear now.

This somehow caused me to feel so fucked up and moody tdy. I dont wna tok to ppl and juz wished tht they left me alone to collect on my thoughts and feeling. Looking back at tht incident still send a shiver down my spine. Everyone has a fear tht they want to keep hidden and nvr let it surface forever and im no exception. Wna cry out but the tears juz wont flow out. Is God saying i shld be braver than this? I know im not the bravest but im trying my hardest to be the best for you guys. Cuz you all show me the way i shld go and make me realise tht i still have friends in this world.

My moodiness caused by this juz make me seem like a fucking retard tht dont wna talk to ppl. And the organic chemistry pract and all the pract for this course is making me seem like some stupid dumb ass who knew nuts abt science and causing ppl to think im juz plain lazy and not wanting to help them. If i had known my poly life would suck to the max i would have juz applied for a course at SHATEC whr i will learn culinary skills. Even though i cnt be the one tht detect the poison in food. I can still bring joy to ppl who eat my food.

One of my friend say this to me and even though i rebutted her. In my heart i know tht what she said is right. She said tht if you dont like this course/modules whatever you do you wont succeed. She is right in telling me this. But i wna do smth abt my fucking course. Get a good GPA. Is Helen Keller not right in saying this? When one door closed another door opened but often we look so long and so regretfully at the closed door tht we failed to see the door tht had opened for us. Is she not right in saying this. Cuz i lose the chance to study at TP and NP but then there is no door for me to go through. Juz one small crack in a wall for me to look through and nvr be able to get near it.

Im feeling disillusioned with life and everything here. Nth seem to wrk for me. The only positive thing i gain from this course is knowing a bunch of guy friends which to me is a lucky things. This 5 guys in my class are superb and to me we are like SS501! The gals in my class is oso fantastic but then to me gals are like a poison for me causing me a lot of trouble becuz i dont seem to connect with them unlike all my friends. Im making the hardest to connect with gals. Hope it will succeed.

Toleration is the best gift and worst gift from God

Ashley Tan

Losing

Tdy i wake up to a painful body and feet. Yea from all the strenous activity i done at the beach yesterday. Have a class outing to Sentosa even though it is suppose to be a class outing only 12 came. Im quite sad by that number cuz i wna bond with all of them. Maybe have a talk or what. We went to Siloso beach which has volleyball court and basketball court. It was quite fun but there was no sun so it quite a dampener cuz i was hoping to have a slightly brown body. Mishaps do happen at the beach and i have one. I was stabbed by rocks or some other things while trying to catch a frisbee. My left feet juz step right onto the rocks and the pain juz shot into my brain. After i get on shore my classmates help me to cleanse the wound which is three cuts. Thank Jo-an Toh and Yehxiang and Haris and Joel. Even though it juz hurt a little i had a hard time trying to walk even after having plasters on it. Cuz the wound hasn't dried up yet and every step i take is sending signals for me to stop walking.

On to something happy after my freak accident. Give Irine her birthday present from Joel, Haris, Yehxiang and me. She say she liked it which is good. Hope she will take it to sch so we can see whether it is compatible for her.

Tdy i have to go to Tanjong Pagar even though my feet hurt alot with each step taken. Cuz i have a job interview as merchandiser for APB. My sis intro me the job as she wrk at the job agency. i was late for ard 10mins cuz i walk quite slow becuz of that injury. I have to thank my dad for helping me to cleanse my wound and cut off the hanging skin or else my wound will not dried up that fast. Hope it will heal in time for my job on Monday.

Have to say sorry to Daniel cuz i can't make it for his birthday celebration as a result of that freak accident. I really wna make him have a taste of his own medicine by stripping him. That what our clique does. We alwats zao geng. Or is it always me? The smallest in term of build so they always strip me by force. Not that im complaining since i have the muscle. Hope he have fun and the clique have fun too. Really regretted not making it. Next outing i will confirm make it and don't ask me to zao geng if want then ask Daniel to do it. I can help too. Lol. Haha. Happy Birthday Daniel! Wish you all the best for your coming semester. Stay handsome as always =D

The Message

Yesterday i went to Joel church event for Mid-Autumn Festival. Though im a free thinker, i still hold God in high regards. The message that God had for us that day is selfishness. I was deep in thought by what He say. Selfishness is human nature but i feel obliged to say that we all try to be as impartial as possible even though it is always unfair. I always try to put my friends and family in front of me as possible and ensure that they get the best. In the process that i neglected myself. Even though the message is true. I still think that all human are kind and good-natured at heart. Even though sometimes we all tend to give ourselves more slack than others but however unfair it may seem we all are not selfish by nature.

Talking about this. I suddenly think of a movie The Message. Which juz screened in Singapore. I really have the urge to watch that movie. The movie is made to commemorate China 60 years of Independence. The movie has 李冰冰, 周讯, 苏有朋 and 黄晓明 And im kinda interested in this kind of suspense movie. It juz make my adrenalin gg at full speed. The Surrogate is also kinda good movie with a good plot. who wna watch this two movie with me? Im always free if im not wrking. C'mon and watch with me. It will be fun to have me as company and you as a company too.

Tough decision

I been thinking about whether to pierce my ear. Cuz my bro has alr done it and he thinking of doing a second one. I been wanting to pierce it since the beginning of this year. But it only during my school holiday that i really gt the urge to do it. With this no one can really tell us apart. That what twins are meant to be. Two of a kind.Maybe alot of ppl will be surprise by my action cuz to them im someone that is quiet, shy, law-abiding and would not do anything that is way of the course. But to me it is one step to finally be who i want and not care abt what other ppl think abt.

While wrking with my friends i really enjoy myself as i can spew profanities as i like it. It kinda let me be who i want. I really like some of the things they say. That is kinda funny and i really enjoy their company. While in their company it really hardened my belief to be who i want without thinking of what other think abt me. That why i want to pierce my ear. And my parents are ok with it so im gg to do it without any worries. I know that many ppl will cringe at me after they saw what i have done. But it only an ear piercing. I never do anything that is against the law. I juz hope that they will accept the new me. I juz wna have a new look as it signify and symbolise my new outlook on the world, my new approach to life and my new action on my study and personality.

Hopefully it will help me alot in term of personality. I juz wna change the way i talk and turn on the charm that is hidden beneath me for so many years. I juz kinda hate the way people always look at me. Cuz they all see me as the good guy who will never do bad. I juz hate it. So i want to let them see me a the rebellious guy whom ppl will think twice before riling me. Cuz alot of those hooligans always like to knock into me purposely. I want them to think twice before they dare to do it again. I can be nasty when you push me to my limits. I juz want you all to look at me in a different light once in awhile.

My F1 Adventure!

It is no walk in the park to be part of F1 GP Singapore. We have to be on our toes and be alert at all times. My job require me to do cleanup which is not at all glamourous but still it is a job. Wearing the uniform kinda make me like some stupid guy that can't look a girl straight into the eyes. Cuz even if we smile at the gals they will act as though we are some lunatics and juz look away. What a difference a job make to us. But alas the electrifying atmosphere and the noise make it all worthwhile. I can hear the engines roaring and the tires screeching without buying the ticket. My heart was beating very fast with every noise the car make. But sadly i can't really enjoy the whole race cuz i was moving up and down mopping the floor.

I kinda have lotsa funs with my friends while working. I can really not care about what other ppl think and juz say whatever that i want. Profanities and all. But still im sad cuz i couldn't really go up and ask the three gals selling ice-cream for their email add and hp no. Cuz im scared they reject me. My friends dared me to put my hands around the race queen shoulders when posing for photo. Out of being polite i ask her for her permission and guess what. I was rejected as she say: "No. Cannot!" I was kinda deflated by it and had to smile as the cameraman is taking the photo. But in my heart i was saying, WTF! Not giving me a chance. My friends were all taking this chance to make fun of me. Saying the same thing that race queen was saying. My luck with gals this few days were not that good as you can see. So gna make use of this last few weeks to get to know a few gals. Don't belittle me, I still gt a few tricks up on my sleeve. Oh yea before i frgt. I bought a few lanyard and a cap from one F1 store while im there. It cost me 150 bucks but it kinda worth it cuz you cnt really buy it anywhere.

I still have one job interview on 5 oct before sch start. Hope it will be a smooth one. The job is merchandiser for APB and i juz need to move the beer bottles and replace the old bottles with new one. And the don't say im too skinny. Im sick and tired of hearing it over and over again. With the money frm this job i can finally buy what i want. My salary frm F1 was used to to top up my bank acc to 300 bucks and thus left with alittle money for me to spend. So if i can get this job. I will have more money to spend on clothes and hair and accessories.

I seriously think i need a few more shirts to to accentuate my mature and charming side. It is also very smart but you don't lost your casualness. I also need a newsboy cap and flexfit cap from flash and splash. A new white or blue skinny will be great plus a new Adidas or Converse shoes cuz my current shoes is breaking apart after a few months of wearing it. I seriously think i shld change my glasses and buy a contact lense. Top all that with a Ray-Ban sunglasses and it gna cost me a bomb. And i still need to buy a leather shoes for my communication skills. Oh man! Why doesn't money fall from heaven? After reading this you must be thinking im a materialistic person. Im not that type of person. I use my own hard-earned money to buy this things. So i will think deep and hard before i decide to buy this things. Alot of things that i wear on me is things that i buy using my own hard earned money. Regardless of how i spend i will still ensure that my bank acc is always at 300 bucks if it not. I will scrimp and save to put money into the bank and top it to 300. To me this money are for rainy days and i will not take it out unnecessarily.

Nth is right in my life!

Today, i study for several hours in the hope tad i cn at least pass my exam. Is it wishful thinking on my part? For it seems like an impossible task when i have failed three modules. The chances is very slim and deep down in my heart i also know that it is mission impossible. I am just making a hopeless struggle to achieve my goal. But this did not deterred me from trying to do the impossible. I am also feeling sick and dizzy but i don't want to stop my revising, its my only way to save my own skin. I always hated the me that always waited till the last minutes before i start my revision. I always tried to overcome it but it is no use. I did not feel the motivation that will make me feel the urge to revise. Only when exam is nearing, then i will be revising feverishly and forgoing my sleep in the process. It always happen again and again and is a cycle that i cannot gwt out of. This caused me to flunk a lot of my tests most recently the three science tests. I feel like i am at the bottom of my life and feel that i am the most useless person in the world. I also cried very bitterly over my failed modules, i have never cried so bitterly over a failed subject before. But this time it caused me so much upset when the truth hit me. I just could not believe it, even though i have not revised thoroughly for it, i should not have failed it. It is no secret that i do not like science and i choose this as a last resort. But i have studied for it and should have been given my dues. Maybe the reason for my crying is because i feel a little unfair and sad. This mixed feelings kinda caused me to have a emotional breakdown. Somehow, i feel that i don't have the energy to continue on this lap anymore. I feel like giving up on this hopeless situation. But i know that my parents will not allow me to give up on this course. So for my parents' sake, i will grit my teeth and finish this course. When things did not go my way, i always ask myself a lot of questions and just want to be alone. I just don't want unnecessary attention toward me and i want to be in my world to have my peace and tranquil that i treasured a lot. Maybe this will make people think that i am acting cool but it is just my not like that. I just want to be alone and collect my thought and readjusting my emotion so that i will not show my true emotion in front of people. Maybe it just a guy nature to put a strong front in front of gals. This time is also the same, i just say in a joking tone that i have 3F for my common test like it no big deal. I don't want people to see me in a different light. A week after i knew my common test result i cried very bitterly. I just want to cried it all out and let myself wallow in misery for one last time before i pull myself together and put up a good fight. But now it just like a hopeless fight to death. Even though i say its hopeless i still want to do it because even though i fail i know that i had given my all and i will not have any regret.

I feel dizzy and have a little fever in such a critical moment. I just crossed my fingers and hope that it won't affect my revision and i will not fainted during exam. I don't want something like this to cause my weeks of revision to be for nothing. Maybe the whole day of studying just cause my brain to be over tired and also caused me to feel dizzy so that i will stop studying and have a little rest. Ask you all something. What the different from studying very hard and study smart? I heard someone saying it on the mrt. I think her explanation is wrong and hearing it caused my blood to boil and i feel very angry about it. She say study smart is you did not study and just play but you still can do pretty well for your exam while studying hard is just plain studying but both got the same result. It just make me feel that it kinda unfair that someone that play hard can have the same or higher marks than those that have revise very hard for it. It like so unfair and just make me feel kinda pissed off by what she said. So what your thought on this? Do tell me about it.

Thanks!

Am i human

Tdy i feel so super awake. I go to Changi Airport T3 to do some revision at nite then in e wee morning ard 6am i take e first bus to go back to Sembawang. My ever reliable study buddy Zulfadli was with me to revise tgt. We were always studying tgt when exam is nearing, so tdy was no exception. But at e T3 we found out tad it was a little noisy than expected as it was Friday night so maybe gt so many ppl wna go and explore T3. I drink one red bull before gg to T3 but found it a little hard to concentrate with all the noise there. I oso had to do a little research for my POE project. It really getting on my nerve as it juz disrupted my revision plan. But nonetheless as the grp leader i have to do a good project and get a good grade for it with my group members. We do some revision before we stop for a break and have a power nap. After tad we do some revision and stop it for e nite. As  it was alr 5am. We have breakfast before we go to e bus stop to wait for e bus to come. Im a little disappointed as i did nt make much progress. But i will nt be deterred by it. I will give it my all for all my modules. Ace it and i will be happy cuz i have done well for smth i did nt have a liking for.

We finally made it back to Sembawang in ard 7 plus and had another red bull before we went home. He say he gg to do some revision before slp while i slp for ard 5o mins on e sofa before bathing and getting ready to meet my grp members for POE project discussion. I did nt feel very well but still push myself to go and meet them at Woodland library. Maybe it was drinking too much water and red bull. My stomach feel a little queasy and i think i gt a little stomach flu. It was making me feel terrible and i really had no appetite to eat lunch. But still i push myself to eat it. I tell myself to eat as it will be my first lunch in 2 days. Maybe it the effect of the lunch, it make me felt a little sleepy after awhile. I found myself falling aslp while looking for info on my lappy. But overall, im an alert person cuz after tad so called nap. I felt a little awake and refreshed. You wont believe it but we stayed in the library until 8 plus. Tad is like so super long. After finishing e discussion for the POE project. I felt like a deflated balloon cuz i felt like all my energy was finally used up and the effect of red bull was finally wearing off.

I had one word to describe my day. TIRED! Cuz i have not really had a good sleep. Maybe today i will sleep until 12pm bah. Haha. I wna feel lazy in e morning!

Tiredd

Tdy i feel so tired. I slp at 3am and wake up at ard 6am. My combined slp time for e past 2 days is even less than 8hrs! Thus i had no appetite to eat when it time to eat lunch. I juz look at my friends eating while my tiredness was slowly eating away my appetite. Then after tad we go to lecture room to revise for our maths test as there still a gd one hr before e test. While they were revising, i was listening to my mp3 and slp. But in truth my eyes is closed but i really cnt slp. Maybe it e coffee tad i was drinking during lunch tad is taking effect. I wna slp siiia but cnt slp. When walking to the mrt st, i was like some drunkard. I walk left and right but nt center. I almost knocked into a pillar. I told myself tad i need to stay awake so i go to Cheers and buy red bull. But after drinking it. I still feel e same. It nt helping at all! When walking to e mrt st i saw some of my classmates but i have no strength to walk up to them or talk to them. Even if they tok to me i might nt have e strength to open my mouth to tok. I like some walking zombie cuz it like my human shell tad walking nt me. I feel so tired and the best part is tmr is  my french test and i have nt even revise yet and now i feel so tired to even touch a book.

Now to something serious. For those of you tad have nt read the news. Taiwan is being hit by it biggest disaster ever. Tornado Morakot had destroyed many part of Taiwan. Notably Kaohsiung Country. I feel for e ppl dere even though im nt a Taiwanese. I feel tad Singapore is e best place ever when it come down to natural disaster as it is a disaster free country. When i was hear e news. My first thought was how cn i help them. I wna fly dere and be part of the volunteer grp tad are helping them. My heart feel for them, eyes brimming with tears. It is the second time in two years after the Szechuan earthquake tad i really cried for e ppl tad are hit by disaster. I think it is very sarcastic tad juz a few days ago, Taiwan was experiencing no rainfall. Then now tis disaster came, maybe im someone tad is very emotional with tis type of things. I really feel like crying when i saw their plight. I hope tad more and more ppl will lend a hand and help them to restore to their original state. I wna raise money for them, but how cn i raise it? Cn someone give me some advice? Please, it will really benefit them and you all will be doing a good deed at e same time.

My Inner Thoughts

Give you all some encouragement for our semester exam. Research had shown tad humans have e same number of neurons which is basically millions and millions of it. So dont doubt urself abt ur ability to do well for ur exam. Cuz if they cn do it so cn you! Cuz they have been working very hard to achieve tad results. If you want to be like them, follow in their footsteps and revise harder than before. Be like me. Now driven with a fiery passion to do well for my semester exam and ace all my modules. You might doubt my ability to be able to achieve it in such a short time. But i will prove to everyone tad hard work really pay off!

Tdy i was feeling so irritated during phy chem revision lecture becuz of some "genius" who like to keep asking qns and some fucking ppl who juz cnt keep their mouth shut while listening to lecture. They made me lose my concentration while listening to e lecture. Fucking asshole want to talk go outside and talk larh. Ppl want to listen and improve if you dont want. Especially me cuz i gt F for it. After the lecture, our class gt a field trip to visit Yakult Singapore. I nvr noe it was so near to my home. It was quite interesting to get to noe more abt how Yakult was made. We get to noe more abt Yakult and it various product in  a so called lecture room. The tour guide then say smth tad almost made me choke on e free yakult i was drinking cuz he say im a Malay. I dunno whether to laugh or wad cuz it was nt e first time someone mistaken me for a Malay. I dunno why they all came to a conclusion tad im a malay. Maybe it was my tanned complexion or is it becuz of my handsome face. Haha. Lol! 

There was smth on my mind while i was walking home. I dunno when it happened but i had nvr looked a gal straight into e eyes while talking to them. One of my friend pointed t out to me while we were on e mrt. This got me thinking it deeply. Before i came to a conclusion. Maybe it was becuz i feel uncomfortable talking to gals so when talking to them i tend to look somewhere else to relieve the uncomfortableness. To tell you all the truth. Im really not a smooth talker when ard gals. I tend to fidget a little when talking to them or does not talk to them at all even when im alone. This may sound weird but it really true. Maybe it is the doing of the hormones in me tad tend to react in a strange way when im ard gals. So dont think of me as weird cuz i really wna talk to them naturally without glitches but it always failed. I trying to do smth abt it but lately im feeling so holed up tad i really wna have some Me time to have a chance to think abt all e problems i have and how i shld solve it. So give me some time and i will really be someone totally different.

SADD!!!

Today i feel so sad. I dunno when i get this feeling. But e fear of failing my modules juz take a toll on me. I dunno whether i cn do extremely well to be able to pass it. Failing one is bad enough but failing three. It make me feel very sad and angry. In front of my classmates, i act like it is no big deal and in a nonchalant way. But deep down in my heart, i was feeling very scared and my heart was actually crying. My bio teacher told me to start doing revision as i told her i only revise for one day. But how could i be able to do that. I know tad im not a science person and asking me to like science and even tis course is hard work. But im trying my hardest. People juz tend to look at e result but nt e process. They saw me getting Fs and juz deduced tad im nt revising hard enough. But im working my HARDEST! I even do night studying for my bio,inorg chem and phychem. Im doing everything i cn to do well. But it juz nt working. Juz now while in e bathroom, i dunno wad happen to me. But i gt tis feeling of helplessness and fear. It caused me to cry so hard and i was like saying everything tad was inside my heart. All e fear, frustration, helplessness and bitterness it juz came out. I dunno why but it juz wouldnt stop and i cried harder and harder. I hated tis type of me. The helpless me. I wna let my parents see me wif gd results wif happy face but each time i only make them feel sadder and sadder. 

Today during sch, i was again laughing at my own result cuz i dowan them to noe that i feel ashamed of my results and look at me in a diff ways. I have pride too! But each time i make fun of my own result i juz got worse and worse. To a point tad i want to run away from there. I dont wna listen to anything science at all. This could oso be why i was so irritated in bio class. Im sorry to any of them if my irritation caused them to be distracted in some way. 

Slack,Slack.Slack

Tdy wake up and find myself aching all over and i gt a serious sun burnt. But then it is opportunity cost as i get a tanner skin. 2 weeks break dunno wad to do. Need to revise for common test but i dowan to revise. Cuz all e modules like so boring and e most boring is microbio. Dunno why need to noe all abt bacterias. It nt like i gna use it anyway. Cuz i dont like bio and i noe bio dont like me. But then life is always full of unpredictability, so maybe i may slowly like it. But pls dont get ur hope high. Trying to while away my time but dunno wad to do. Tired of anything and everything. But one thing i wont be tired abt is culinary art. It is such a nice thing to be able to cook and i want to be e best at it. Who is Gordon Ramsay when you have Ashley Tan. Haha. Look forward to e day i cn finally cook up a storm in e culinary world.

First real blog

Juz gt home after gg to my grandma's hse. Feeling tired but dowan to slp so early. Cuz i was swimming for 2 hrs before gg to visit my grandma. Fillial rite! Haha. Tmr gt an outing wif my poly classmates. Gna be fun and i promise i wont be emo de. But then dont say i too hyper and talkative. Cnt wait for tmr but hope it wont burn a large hole in my pocket. 

Ytd, i transformed into Chef Ashley. Baking batches and batches of cookies wif one of my poly classmate. It was so FUN! Gt e pulsating feeling and sense of satisfaction tad i nvr felt before. It make me believe tad i shld take e chef route. Wna see ppl smile when they eat e food i cook. Nvr felt so strongly as before. 

GG to bring my camera to take lotsa fotos. So everyone be a camwhore tmr!

My first post for my new blog so pls comment on how i shld improve.

Thanks!

Ciao!