Lusting for that perfect ending

A longing that hurts me badly. Its like you are not there to see it. My heart and pulse were alway racing to meet your smell. Seems like they are used to having you around. Always denying me the honored of being there for you. Can't seem to comprehend why you always want to keep me at a distance. Waiting anxiously for you to be online yet dunno what to say to you when your are online. Is this the departing of winter and the arriving of spring? Longing for your touch yet evading your hands at the last minute. You were always a step ahead of me. Never giving me the chance show off my ability. Demeaning me but at the same time concerned about me. I juz couldn't comprehend your action. You always make me wna protect you from everything. Your eyes are always so beautiful making me unable to stare back at the gaze. Your smell always announce your arrival. It sweet smelling and lingered for long period. I juz want to watch you and care for you. Giving you my shoulder when you wna cry and lending a listening ear when you are unhappy. Words just can't describe you.

Let me be your best friend till you find someone who really know how to appreciate and care for you. Thats be the calling for me to leave as i will watch over you from afar. Never letting you taste the bitterness of being hurt and sad.

The ball is in my court

Many a time i had faltered. But each time i persevered and did a good job. But now i dunno whether i will be able to pull through this one. My confidence is not high now and i had a fear in my heart. A fear that i will fail again.

But still i make this decision to continue and persevere on. So i will not be cowed by anything. Im starting to know what went wrong with me. Needed to right the wrong and trust myself and having faith in myself.

Life dealt me a cruel blow so that i will really mature and start working hard. It like im in comfort zone for too long to really feel the sweat of being hardworking and the sweetness after that.

I will really work hard so that i won't regret my decision of continuing. No i won't regret it cuz im gg to do extremely well. So that i will know my decision is correct. I will not give up on myself again. Even if the whole world forsake me i will still trust myself and have faith in myself cuz it is the thing that determine how i will work hard and give me the strength to continue.

Trust is the faith in yourself

Is results really that important? As hot tears well up in my eyes and dripped down my cheeks as the truth and realization of the results that i had gotten. I still don't have the answer. The process of your revision for your modules is like secondary to the result. When i knew that i need to repeat 2 modules. It like a shock jolt on my mind and emotion. I had give my utmost best for this 2 modules as this two modules was also the one that i failed in common test. Organic Chemistry and Cell Biology.

Maybe organic chemistry was not revised that well so failing it is no surprise but cell biology. I revise for it tediously and really go through it. I can't comprehend why i can fail it.

Yesterday was the day, the result was released but i was at chalet. Some of my classmates had check their result and i knew that they had done pretty well. But for me it was contemplating whether i had fail organic chemistry. Even though i knew the answer i was hoping a miracle will happen. But it seem like everyone had forsaken me or is it me that had given up on myself in the first place?

Trust and having faith in yourself is very important as it determine the manner in which you will pursuit your goal. Will you be confident that you will achieve your goal or downplaying your chance of really achieving your goal. Maybe it was because right from the start when i start my first semester i don't really trust myself and even don't have the faith that i will do well. So it inadvertently have an impact on me as i slackened off and never really give my 100% for the course. When i never do well for a test it further cemented my belief that i can never do well for it.

As i pondered over a major decision that will concerned my future. My heart really can't bear to go through it again cuz it has a demoralizing effect on me and i feared that the impact it had on me is really negative and will cause a phobia or a fear in me. Maybe it time to find the courage in me to continue on this journey cuz i really don't wna be a quitter in life!

Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear

Pat Riley

Evil is The Name for Me

Im so fucked up with myself for being so good natured, fucking goody-two shoes and kind. it just make me an easy target for people to bully and manipulate. I detest, despise and scorn them for doing that. Yea the word is scorn! I can't believe i let them have their way over me. They break my heart into millions pieces over and over again. Sometime they say things that are just plain evil and im not kidding abt it.

People just make use of me and im so fucking sick of it. Can't they just do things the right way without having to rely on underhand means. But maybe it my fault for being so kind and easy to prey on. So im gg to transform myself to become the ultimate evil, cold hearted, cold-blooded and also to pay back what they have done to me harder than they expect. They won't even know what hit them.

If people backstab me, i will literally backstab them with a Knife! If they manipulate me again, i will so going to shout into their ears that im not gna be at their mercy again. The new evil me is something that i will gna make full use of. Im gg to pay all of them back in cold blood.

Cause they think they are so good. "Wow! They must be kidding cause they just make me puke and it seem that they are nothing when they can't manipulate people and bully people.