Different Path

While other ppl are thinking about destinations like China, UK and Australia. Im only thinking about one destination and that is your heart.

I don't really care about IAP where you get to go oversea for attachment. It doesn't really matter to me where i work cuz im not working in the science field anyway. I got my eyes set on a degree in Hospitality and Tourism Management in SMU. So the only place i wna go is your heart.

All the roads lead to a place. It just a matter of where you wna go. There was once i thought my future lie away from here.

Changes are imminent but i just hope that i won't turn into someone unrecognisable that even i dont even know myself. Somehow i feel that im currently standing in a fork road thinking about which road to take. Each road will lead to a seemingly different destination.

I hope that you are ok. Cheer up gal. Everything will be alright. Believe in ppl again.

No Promises

There a things called affinity and fate. I was skeptical of it at first but then when you appeared, i suddenly began to believe in it. Cuz i didn't notice you at first but it was your two friends that caught my eyes. It could be that their dancing skills make me go whoa!

Then when during the last 2 rehearsals before the event. I mustered the courage to ask you to be my dance partner. I didn't realised i could be so brave to do that. And with the time spent with you dancing and the physical interaction during the dance which from a shy, barely touching arm clinging to finally clinging our arm together make me realised that i had fallen for you.

The cheerfulness and bubbly personality was something that could add color to my quiet and peaceful life. Thats why im relentlessly talking to you when you online and also thru smsing. Seems like that idea backfired cuz you are going further and further away from my sight. What shld i do before you will be back in my sight again?

Is being honest, quiet and goody-two shoes wrong? It bought nothing but trouble to me during my sec sch life. Being bullied everyday is nth new, being make used by others (Thats the only way i thot i can feel that i belong), eating alone during recess is everything that make me what im tdy. Maybe its my naivety, thinking that by being quiet and suspicious of others will prevent me from being hurt again.

And my luck with gals is always at the other end of the scale. You too seem more interested in talking with my friends than with me. Is it becuz of my shy nature that caused it or is it becuz you don't like talking to me. I tried my best and i got nothing. Im scared of rejection and also the fear of pouring my heart and soul at the wrong person. Becuz im still single from then till now becuz i want to find my first love who will also be my last.

You could say im stupid but then with marriage in mind when dating. I will be doing my utmost for this relationship. Giving my best and pouring all my heart and soul to maintain it. A relationship is all about giving and taking. it also is also about tolerating the others flaws.

For you i am willing to do it. Friends say that im too quiet and i don't deny that. But for you im willing to be vocal and outgoing. And maybe smile more to brighten up your day. So won't you give me a chance if i decide to confess to you. This is fate becuz you are not the type of gal i like (I gt a thing for tanned gal) but still i fall for you. Its your personality that attract me and your look is something that enhance the personality. For now, good luck for your O lvl.

Face Value

Perfect and imperfect, two different words with two vastly different meanings. But why is it that we are are stubbornly holding on to the former instead of the latter? Becuz we are a proud animal. I don't deny that im not one of them. We always think that perfect is always the best word to describe ourselves. But then we failed to realised that even the best have also erred. So what make them think that they are perfect! If we are imperfect than what give us the right to expect a better showing from other people!

Beauty a word that can describe alot of things. For us, it is always about look, look and still look. But then we failed to see that if we look at a different perspective the so-called beauty also have an ugly side. A person that is beautiful from the inside is really the most beautiful. It something that even me still think otherwise. Becuz we see things at face value and failed to see that there are something more important than look.

Friends are those that will take the bus with you when your Ferrari broke down. True enough. Real friends will take the time and effort to help you when you are in trouble and lend you a shoulder or listening ear when you are down. Im fortunate to have this kind of friends. But me, im not a true friend. Im petty, impatient, unhelpful and wickedly make use of other people misery for my own entertainment. I can also be demanding and expect alot from them. What rights have i to be in their company when i myself is not even half as good as them.

Killing Xen

What do i lived for? What is the purpose and meaning that keep me going forward? This questions keep popping in my mind. I really don't know the reason for it. Many times i asked myself why am i in this body? Is this world real or is it imaginary? Till now i can't answer it.

In a philosophical sense. This world can be real and imaginary. Its really how you see it. For me sometimes its real, other times it kind of imaginary. Its sometime too confusing for me to handle.

Im an indecisive person. I can't make up my mind on everything. Even whether matters of the heart. I sometime chided myself for that. Is it so hard to make up my mind on things? The answer is YES! Becuz i always think alot and think up different consequences that my decision may bring.

Now it had blown my chance to be with her. Times passed and we had not talked. Its like we had become strangers overnight. Its my fault as much as yours. My eagerness had destroyed it and that had led you to back off from it.

If i have a time machine, i will turn back time and told you face to face. My feelings for you.

Reality does not matter if i was hugged by you!

My Curve Ball

I knew that when the spotlight shone on me, it will be me alone who has to do the catching up. Its one of the many curve balls that life throws at me. I just gotta do my best to catch it, learn from it and hopefully it will not happen again.

I have my fair share of misery. I wallowed in it before. I never learnt from it. Thats my biggest regret. If i had learnt from it. Thing may have changed for the better.

I remember how i once make used of my misery to turn it into a weapon to drive myself to study harder. But that had not happened now. Is it becuz the magic had worn off. The divine power that i once thought God bestowed upon me. To make me realise that i can achieve whatever i want if i work hard enough.

Can you turned around and told me that its just a dream. A nightmare that i will wake up if you kiss me on the cheek. But you were not there anymore. And i have to find a way to make myself wake up.

Pls don't go away. You were the one i been finding so long and hard. Your giving me the cold shoulder is like a shock reminder that things were never meant to be the way i wanted. Just give me one smile, one sweet and cheerful smile to let me reminisce while i wait at second base waiting for you to realise my importance in your heart.

I say Yes

I know i have erred on numerous occasions. But why did that one mistake condemned me to a place that feels unfamiliar. I feel indignant and defiant by what had happened. Things still haven't sunk in yet. But it will be put in place now.

Every conversation, every email, every innocent question is like a reminder of my mistake. But it is my nature to conceal my feeling within me. Letting no one knows about it. I am akin to a porcupine that defend itself against the enemies.

Now i have gradually tell myself to accept the fact and just move on. It doesn't really matter. If someone can give me encouragement. It will really spur me on.

When i see you, i feel a sense of comfort and my heart sense a tinge of happiness. You are like the sun that never fails to brighten my day even if it was only for a split second.

Cheerfulness, extrovert and pretty face never fail to make my heart skip a beat. When i get to know you better,i realise i have fallen for you. I think im someone who fall in love easily so im kinda confused as to whether my feeling for you is love. I really hope it is. As i really find your cheerfulness mesmerizing and your eyes and smile just added on to the wow factor.

The Kiss and Xen

Blighted by catastrophes, pulled back by misgivings, undone by foolishness and overcome by uncertainties. They are just like a broken record that keep playing over and over again in my life. Maybe its just the basis or foundation with which a life journey is build upon.

Gotta feeling that darkness will engulf and blinded me. Hope its not true. But if its true, i will want to take a long last look at you for your the one that i loved. Your the elusive mystery that i always wanna know better. But im always stop by my uncertainties. Its make me think of numerous scenarios that have me failing. Its really a big taboo for guys. To be scared of rejection. Don't be scared of rejection Ash! I will stay at second base waiting for you to look back at me.

If things go my way, you will be mine already. But blame it on my indecisiveness about whether i have feeling for you. Becuz when i realised i fallen for you. its just too late, we have both taken a different path. Regrets are for the weak, i dont regrets. I want to think of a way to talk to you again hoping that will help mined a new path for you and me to walk tgt.

Seems like its me that haven't put you down. I hoped against hope that a gal will walk by and completely take my breath away but it had not happened. Becuz my breath is taken away by you. My ship had anchored on you, preventing me from leaving.

I can't be in your past, but i can be with you in the present and we can work tgt for a blissful future.

You haven't left my heart

I don't think i have bluff myself for this long. Nothing can correct the wrong to right. I just have to live with this lie that i woven for myself and for everyone. Each passing day brings to me added stress. I am not adept in making choices. I have always make the wrong choice. A taurus is someone who take their time when making choices and don't make a choice on an impulse. But me i have been very impulsive when making choices thus sometime i made choices that i tend to regret later.

But all those impulse choices never prepared me for this one that will top my list of regretted choice. And my actions to accept this choice had been half-hearted. Temptations always seem to prey on me. To them, i am an easy target. Cause i have a weak mind that succumb to them easily. Thus it had always stop me from making a full- hearted action.

Maybe that kinda explain why my life journey is very bumpy without any big achievement. Even something simple like love had elude me. I am someone who is proud, stubborn and willful. So this type of setbacks had hit me hard. I don't concede defeat easily but then i don't make any concrete action to justify my will to turn a defeat into a win. So what's the point of having a strong will to win when you don't take any action.

My setbacks in love had really hit me very hard. My optimism for love is now wavering and i am really unsure whether i should make known my feeling to a certain gal. After all that i tried to do and the reply she given. I am skeptical about it.

Despite all the claims that i made about liking pretty gal. i finally realised that what i am looking for in a gal is not really about looks but about her personality and spiritual. Its that infectious cheerfulness that will infect me. And also a gal that has a compassion for themselves as well as for others. She sees the good in people regardless of how bad they are. If a gal with fits that criteria i will most certainly go gaga over her. If she is tanned and had long luscious hair and also a pair of eyes that are beautiful. It will be an added bonus.

Love at first sight or love that grow over time? For me it will be the latter. I don't believe in love at first sight. Cause what you see is their physical appearance and not their inner self. I tend to believe in spending time with a gal so that i can get to know her better before i will know whether i like her. Maybe the feeling you get when you first met her is the most genuine. But attracted and falling in love is two different matters.

Mostly people will choose the former. Because they got the fluttering feeling and an intuition that tell them that its the one. Genie Zhuo is one such person that believe in it.

My setbacks in love hit me hard. And it is because i can't forget and put it down easily. If i know its her from that moment. I will devote myself to her and her alone. I can't forget her easily. So what should i do now? Ask her out or try to forget her?

On another note, i am going to save money to learn street jazz and house. Its just another step up in my process to be the same as her.

My eyes can't seek you

I am not the kind of guy that will alway joke around with gals. I don't have alot of talents to show you. I tend to sweat alot and my hands always shake. I can't take a good picture but still love to take picture. I am not a confident person. My articulation and pronunciation is not too good and i tend to slur when i talk cause i speak very fast.

But when i met you, your cheerfulness make me open up faster to a gal than i had expected. From that moment i knew that it had gotta be you and no one else. Caused your the second person who had infected me with her cheerfulness. I may not have alot of talents but i am going to learn dancing and hope it will be a talent that will make me be on par with you. My hands may sweat and shake alot but i am looking at way to keep it at the minimum. Your cheerfulness make me want to be the confident person that a taurus is supposed to be. And i know that when i look you in the eyes when i talked i will be able to speak slowly and confidently. You unknowingly gave me confident.

I may not be able to say jokes to make you laugh. But i will do something to make you feel happy every week. So that you will always feel happy and blissful. If you only want the moon, i will give you the whole sky. I will always shower you with unconditional love.

I thought if i always talk to you then it will make it easier for me to make known my feeling for you. But you just feel it as a source of irritation and a nuisance. Somehow, this make me feel hurt. I told myself that i will not think of you. But my mind is practically swarmed with your face. I know that it is not infatuation but an unrequited love.

If only you let me in your life sooner. Then i will be able to say I Love You without much difficulty. But now i can't even talk to you even though i have the urge to do so. I don't want you to see me as an irritating person.

There is a love call letting go

Maybe it just not meant to go the way i wanted. I thought i had a chance but then with every action you took, it just make me realised it was just wishful thinking on my part. You just don't treat me the same as i treat you. i always wait with bated breath for you to be online even to the extent of rehearsing what i should say to you. But your reply make me realised you are just not interested. Making me beat a hasty retreat. The farthest distance in the world is i am just right in front of you but you just ignored me.

If that the case then i won't disturbed you! Go on with your life. I should have known, i am meant to be alone in this world. Without any love. I have been rejected before so this is nothing. But why then did i feel a tinge of sadness? I should be immune to it already.

Your cheerfulness is something that is infectious, i just feel happy when i am with you. Your the second person to make me feel this way. I thought i had forgotten about this cheerfulness until you came. Its something that attracted me and it just complement my character which is quiet and soft-spoken.

As the time spent together get longer, i just couldn't help but fall deeper and deeper into the cliff. Waiting for you to pull me up and admit my presence in your heart. But it just not what i expected. Seem like i am not the person that you seek. Tinge of regret and sadness still linger because the stature you hold in my heart is very high but it won't stay long caused i know that if i love you i should let you go. You should be with the one you loved. Hope you will find him.

A battered soul

Fucking low lying creature who don't fucking give a damn to the pain you inflicted on people who trusted you whole-heartedly. If there is a knife in front of me. I swear i will stabbed you in the heart and twist it a full round before pulling it out. The knife that is dripped with blood will be licked off clean by me. Tasting the metallic taste of your blood. Just give me a satisfaction that really know no boundary.

Don't think that you can get away from the hurt you inflicted on me. Cause i will gonna get my revenge. I swear that i will let you have a hellish time. You will beg me to kill you. But NO i will slowly tortured you, cutting you limb by limb finger by finger. The sound of knife cutting your bone and the scream coming out of you will be the ULTIMATE price for the pain and hurt you give me.

All of you might think im a sadistic. But then again you are not me. So dont fucking pass judgement about me. You are not me, you dont know the life i had gone. The hellish time that was given to me. The misplaced trust in people. The cold steely gaze that still send a shiver whenever i think about it.

If i can't get my revenge then Heaven will. Karma is something that i believe in. BEWARE cuz God is watching.

Responsibility

Simply put, you believed that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy.

Wayne Dyer

We tend to shirk from our responsibility and blame it on other people. We think that by making a clean break from this matter then we will be alright. But truth is it will only make us worse. Because deep down, we know that its our fault. So why can't we take the first step of owning up and give ourselves a peace of mind knowing that we have done the right thing by owning up and taking responsibility of the matter. And thus we will be happy!

I absolutely abhor people who are in the wrong but they blame in on other people and shirk responsibility from it. Shirking from responsibility is akin to saying you are not at fault when you are clearly at fault.

Take me as an example, i failed 2 modules, cried my heart out but in the end. I still take responsibility for it. Not because i was obliged to. But because i think i never study my hardest. I never really put my heart and soul into it when im studying that why i failed.

I know i will eventually succeed if i take responsibility for what had gone wrong cause if you take responsibility you will take charge of your life and change.

Apathy a path most troddened

Man's personality can't be changed within one day. The mentality to change the personality must be consistent and maintained. There a saying, Rome isn't built in one day. It is the same. So a personality can't be changed with a flick of the fingers. I can't possibly change in one day, one month or one year. I need many years to be able to change that.

People tend to say to me, eh don't be emo larh!/ talk lerh! In my mind i was like saying im trying. why can't you see that! They just accept things at face value.

I admit i tend to be quiet most of the time but i can be talkative too. I just need to see whether there a need for me to. Maybe its because i am a Taurus that why i tend to be quiet and keep to myself. And the time taken to adapt to a new surrounding has make me immune to talking to people. So i might as well just don't talk and talk when need to.

To me talking is like a chore and is taking a toil on me. Sometime even if i try to talk to somebody i don't get a reply. Its like you muster up the courage to open a door labeled danger and when you opened it you bump your head into a cold steel wall. It just left me hurt physically and mentally. So gradually i develop a thinking of letting other people talk to me before i will talk to them. I will not speak if no one speak to me. Why let myself get hurt again by the cold steely gaze and being ignored when i tried to start a conversation with someone.

I know you all are lucky to be well-received by people wherever you go. So you won't understand or feel the pains that were inflicted on me times and again. It just left me disoriented and disillusioned with the need to talk to somebody.

Environment can change a person. In my case it make me clammed up and become quiet. Because my mind want to protect me from any more harms that the environment will inflict upon me.

I admit it had make me become someone who have different masks. You may say im a hypocrite. I will hide my true feeling beneath a face that is smiling. I have learn that to protect yourself, you must never show your true feeling to anyone. You never know when they will use it against you.

But my fragile heart will somehow divulge a little about what im thinking. So it really pissed me off that all the efforts to maintain that mask is always undone by a fleeting moment of guilt and make my real feeling known to everyone. I really hate having a heart that manipulates me into doing things that make everyone happy but making me feel worse and worse. Why can't i have a heart of apathy so that i won't feel the pain when i do something that are condemned by everyone.

Its really suck being a good guy! Good guy are always the one having the worst lot. Their path are already decided to be playing second fiddle to the bad guy. Tv dramas always make the bad guy who reformed having the gal while the good guy who do everything for the gal end up having nothing. It really suck big time!

I know that whatever i do, my fragile heart of empathy will make sure it will benefit everyone.

All things come to naught for the one whose heart is full of empathy and is the most fragile

Tears are meant to fall

The word crisis when written in chinese have two characters. One represents danger while the other represents opportunity. This is a quote by John F. Kennedy. It means that while crisis is a bad thing, it may also be an opportunity in disguise.

Many a time, we tend to see crisis as something bad. Confucius once say that gems can't be polished without friction nor man without trials. We all need to go through trials and tribulations before we become a better person. But somehow, we all think of adversity as something bad, something revolting which we don't welcome into our lives. But we all need it to change ourselves in one way or another.

If life is smooth sailing, then it wouldn't be life. Cause God always want us to be better than before. He want us to know what adversity is like so that we know we have flaws and will change it.

No one is flawless or infallible. Keep that in mind! But we can make the flaws less of a hindrance in our lives. Thats what adversity is meant to do. It helps us see what we fail to see. Which is the many flaws that are living in us. And let us think about what we can do to keep it at the minimum.

I have gone through alot of adversities and im growing, shining as the trials polished me again and again. I have my fair share of tantrums and tears when it happen. But then i find my focus and i remember that we all need to go through the bitterness of adversity to really taste the sweetness that come after it. And we gained alot more after that.

Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus.

Robert Brault

Changed for the better

I have changed. That is something that i noticed about myself. Being more vocal and cheerful. One year can change alot of things. And it had changed my personality. Maybe it still can't change the introvert in me which will always be with me regardless of what happen and also the nervous wreck that i always am. But what had changed is that i opened myself when im around my classmates and friends. Even though the shyness is still intact it has not interfered with the fun that is going on.

Being a taurus, im someone who does not like changes cause that means i need to adapt to a whole new environment again. That is why i tend to be withdrawn and keep to myself. As i need time to adapt and constantly give myself the morale boosting words of encouragement so that i won't be lost in this world. But now that i have finally adapt, i can finally be more vocal and open. Unlike last year where i generally keep to myself. Cause i find it hard to engage in a conversation with someone.

I finally know that my friends will always be there for me regardless of what happened. Just like my family, they will always support me and encourage me. That is what i have learn from the past one year.

But even if everything about me changed, one thing will not change. That is my heart. It will always have love, empathy and selflessness. And it will always beat faster when a hot gal walk past. Haha. Thats for sure. It is a living radar for identifying hot gal!

The Past, the future

Fighting the storm in my heart. I don't wanna continue the mistake of falling in love now. I need to meet her which is gonna be hard and change myself continuously so that i will be the one to tug the string in her heart when i meet her. No matter how long it take, i will gonna reach the front of the line to be the ideal guy for her. Maybe it is something stupid, foolish and crazy. But for me it is something i want to do. She inadvertently change me and make me realize the power of dream. If i fall in love now, it just means that the willpower in me is not greater than the temptation in me.

爱我好吗？ 就算是一秒也好。 想在你身边说的一句话。你是我的独家快乐！

Teeing up for the best shot at Goal!

With every hour i procrastinate, a dent is form on my wildest dream! Losing momentum or shld i say as the novelty wears off, im finding myself gradually back to the old me. I have to grit my teeth and fulfill my dream no matter what. Its hold everything that i want to shield from the incoming storm.

I can sense that the storm is filled with everything imaginable that will put a stop to my dream and goal. Life is really fraughted with disasters that are catastrophic. But i want to be one that can turn things around and put me in an advantage position.

Am i too quiet for my own good? Am i too cool and aloof to be around with? Am i too kind and good-natured that make me a target to be bully? Is it because of this that no one really show me respect and give a damn to what im feeling right now? Is it wrong of me to put everyone before me so that even my feeling and emotion are compromised? Am i too gullible beyond expectation?

Life sucks FML

I once heard Taiwanese singer Show Lo say in his show and was amazed and even in awe of this quote. 命运靠左手，机会靠右手，努力靠双手 which literally translated as fate makes use of your left hand, chance makes use of your right hand, hard work make use of both hands. It really encourage me and make me realise something that i never realise before. Being born as intelligent does not necessary means that you will ace exams, while those that are not that intellect will not fail their exams. Hard work coupled with the intelligent that they are born with will lead them to scale a far more greater heights. Hard work for those that are not that intellect can lead them to be on par with those that are intelligent. All that we need is hard work!

I really pity myself for scouring the internet to find inspiring quotes that motivates me to work hard. Can't i even work hard using my willpower? I dunno that im so useless. I revised for the exam but it still can't guarantee me a pass! Woot! What a feat Ashley! Need to repeat 2 modules for this year and on top of that you can't even take 2 modules for this semester. 3rd year will be damn busy and need more time to graduate than my classmate. FML

I practically want to shout at the top of my voice so that those living in heaven can hear. They practically are cruel and unfair to me. If they want to do that to me then i will practically take them head-on. And let them know that what they had done to me is wrong.

This semester need to repeat cell bio. Need to see useless lecturer in action, late, late, late..... that the only thing she capable of. Detestable and disgusting!

I have no love lost for those that always trick people when ask abt their thoughts abt exams. It really something dark and sinister. I hope i won't be trick again. No! I won't trust it again! Never ever.

The Devil that make a Sadist

A devil lurks around in me causing distress and anger. It alway find faults with everyone and i always yield to what the devil wants me to do. Scary isn't it. Time and again it give rise to a desire to hate them. The devil is jealousy.

It always me envying the success of other ppl while im still at the pit. I am always jealous of them and angry that they do practically nothing and can be at the spot that i always want but can never reach no matter how hard i try.

It like im a sadistic that practically want everyone to fall while im the only one standing and gloating at their failure. Am i a devil in disguise? Im disgusted at this envious thought of mine. This thought always disappear when someone lend me a helping hand, i practically melt away by this gesture and i become the person i always were.

Maybe it because i absolutely adore being reveled in the limelight. It like everyone acknowledging me and my success. It a pleasure thats know no boundary. But now i dunno whether it a pleasure or a torture. I don't want to be a person that eyes something that i don't have now. I want to work for it so that the pleasure will throughly be genuine.

The one week that i was away from Singapore, i thought about alot of things and have alot of fun. I gained deeper insight into things that i once was stumped at. All this philosophical thoughts alway make me a better person than im now. It what i alway believe in.

I put a full stop to this philosophical thought for now, while i go and do a mental calculation about all the sweets that i bring back and how i share with you all. Im still the same that for sure except for the addition of a hardened determination and resolve to succeed.

If you are watching this post, yes you! An insult can trigger alot of emotions and feeling. It how you look at it. The worst thing you can do is being angry cuz then you are walking straight into the trap that the person laid out. Never mind what the person say for you know you have improved from when we first met.

What you think means more than anything else in your life. More than what you earn, more than where you live, more than your social position, and more than what anyone else may think about you.

George Matthew Adams

Lusting for that perfect ending

A longing that hurts me badly. Its like you are not there to see it. My heart and pulse were alway racing to meet your smell. Seems like they are used to having you around. Always denying me the honored of being there for you. Can't seem to comprehend why you always want to keep me at a distance. Waiting anxiously for you to be online yet dunno what to say to you when your are online. Is this the departing of winter and the arriving of spring? Longing for your touch yet evading your hands at the last minute. You were always a step ahead of me. Never giving me the chance show off my ability. Demeaning me but at the same time concerned about me. I juz couldn't comprehend your action. You always make me wna protect you from everything. Your eyes are always so beautiful making me unable to stare back at the gaze. Your smell always announce your arrival. It sweet smelling and lingered for long period. I juz want to watch you and care for you. Giving you my shoulder when you wna cry and lending a listening ear when you are unhappy. Words just can't describe you.

Let me be your best friend till you find someone who really know how to appreciate and care for you. Thats be the calling for me to leave as i will watch over you from afar. Never letting you taste the bitterness of being hurt and sad.

The ball is in my court

Many a time i had faltered. But each time i persevered and did a good job. But now i dunno whether i will be able to pull through this one. My confidence is not high now and i had a fear in my heart. A fear that i will fail again.

But still i make this decision to continue and persevere on. So i will not be cowed by anything. Im starting to know what went wrong with me. Needed to right the wrong and trust myself and having faith in myself.

Life dealt me a cruel blow so that i will really mature and start working hard. It like im in comfort zone for too long to really feel the sweat of being hardworking and the sweetness after that.

I will really work hard so that i won't regret my decision of continuing. No i won't regret it cuz im gg to do extremely well. So that i will know my decision is correct. I will not give up on myself again. Even if the whole world forsake me i will still trust myself and have faith in myself cuz it is the thing that determine how i will work hard and give me the strength to continue.

Trust is the faith in yourself

Is results really that important? As hot tears well up in my eyes and dripped down my cheeks as the truth and realization of the results that i had gotten. I still don't have the answer. The process of your revision for your modules is like secondary to the result. When i knew that i need to repeat 2 modules. It like a shock jolt on my mind and emotion. I had give my utmost best for this 2 modules as this two modules was also the one that i failed in common test. Organic Chemistry and Cell Biology.

Maybe organic chemistry was not revised that well so failing it is no surprise but cell biology. I revise for it tediously and really go through it. I can't comprehend why i can fail it.

Yesterday was the day, the result was released but i was at chalet. Some of my classmates had check their result and i knew that they had done pretty well. But for me it was contemplating whether i had fail organic chemistry. Even though i knew the answer i was hoping a miracle will happen. But it seem like everyone had forsaken me or is it me that had given up on myself in the first place?

Trust and having faith in yourself is very important as it determine the manner in which you will pursuit your goal. Will you be confident that you will achieve your goal or downplaying your chance of really achieving your goal. Maybe it was because right from the start when i start my first semester i don't really trust myself and even don't have the faith that i will do well. So it inadvertently have an impact on me as i slackened off and never really give my 100% for the course. When i never do well for a test it further cemented my belief that i can never do well for it.

As i pondered over a major decision that will concerned my future. My heart really can't bear to go through it again cuz it has a demoralizing effect on me and i feared that the impact it had on me is really negative and will cause a phobia or a fear in me. Maybe it time to find the courage in me to continue on this journey cuz i really don't wna be a quitter in life!

Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear

Pat Riley

Evil is The Name for Me

Im so fucked up with myself for being so good natured, fucking goody-two shoes and kind. it just make me an easy target for people to bully and manipulate. I detest, despise and scorn them for doing that. Yea the word is scorn! I can't believe i let them have their way over me. They break my heart into millions pieces over and over again. Sometime they say things that are just plain evil and im not kidding abt it.

People just make use of me and im so fucking sick of it. Can't they just do things the right way without having to rely on underhand means. But maybe it my fault for being so kind and easy to prey on. So im gg to transform myself to become the ultimate evil, cold hearted, cold-blooded and also to pay back what they have done to me harder than they expect. They won't even know what hit them.

If people backstab me, i will literally backstab them with a Knife! If they manipulate me again, i will so going to shout into their ears that im not gna be at their mercy again. The new evil me is something that i will gna make full use of. Im gg to pay all of them back in cold blood.

Cause they think they are so good. "Wow! They must be kidding cause they just make me puke and it seem that they are nothing when they can't manipulate people and bully people.

One and Only: Parents

Parents are always someone we look up to. They are our role models and someone we loved, respected and feared at the same time. No one can replaced that place in my/your heart.

We alway have this thoughts which is to emulate them and be better than them so that they will be proud of you. I always wna do something that go along with what they want and it also suit me at the same time. So it always saddened me when im not performing to their level of expectation. Somehow they always place high hopes and expectation on me becuz of what a fortune teller say that im a smart and intellligent person. But it just that im too lazy.

Well you can't have the best of both world. Another fortune teller that i see say that im 大才小用 which literally means waste of talent. Or someone who is talented but is used in the wrong way or put in a wrong position.

Haha. Maybe if i really put in the effort and hard work then this name will really fit me. Cause for now im just not fit to be called this.

Back to what i was saying. I really wna make them be proud of me. It like a wish of mine that i hope i can fulfill.

One thing i thank my parents is that when i say i want to be a free thinker they never pressure me into being a Buddhist. I thank them for respecting my decision as im someone who don't like to be tied down by a religion. Because if im tied down by a religion it will be taxing on me and i dont like the feeling of being tied down.

Unpredictable Nature of Life

Forrest Gump's mother once said, Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what kind of chocolate you will get.

I totally like this quote. Cuz it means tht life is unpredictable, you never know what will happen next. My life is like tht, it so unpredictable. One year im with nothing, the next i have friends tht i can rely and count on. Everything tht someone need to go through at the age of 20 or maybe 30. Im gg through tht at the afe of 13!

Im someone who had a phobia, a fear tht can't be erased permanently. It like a scar in my brain tht is still intact. It caused me to act in a way tht i never wanted. Im someone who dont wna have the limelight shine one me, all the eyes looking at me. But somehow something change it. Even though my actions is quite showy and make me seems like i wna have the limelight. My soul is still squirming at it and juz wna let it all finish.

Sometime i feel like i have split personality. I can be happy, loud and talkative for one moment and then the next, i will be quiet, withdrawn and have a sad sorrow aura around me. No one and i mean not a single soul can fathom or predict my actual feeling and emotion.

Maybe it becuz i tend to think alot and mostly in philosophical way. I will sometime say wistfully to myself abt this kind of stuff. It like im easily affected by the smallest of things tht ppl make and can think for a long time abt it. Maybe tht make me seem kinda mature.

Withering for them

The meeting with my mentor turn out just fine. Phew! What a relief. Tht the only silver lining for today. After tht ordeal i guess it sorta make me realised tht Science is meant to use your heart and soul to study. It like a plant tht need to be watered everyday.

I thot the best in people and literally give in to their every whine. But what do i get in return? More whining and complaining. Sometime it sorta get on my nerve. But i grit my teeth and swallow the anger tht piling up inside me like some bitter medicine tht is difficult to swallow.

Maybe i shld take back my words abt them. It like misjudgment on my part. People do change and when you get along with them more often their tails and true self will appear. It like i shld not have taken my time to know them better. Foolish me!!

I always change myself to adapt to their characteristics. It like i dont care abt my own feeling. Why is it tht i always torture myself for them.

The next project abt food, i want to do it alone and return to the beginning whr i first love food and have the passion for it. I dunno why this few months my feeling for it is dwindling. I alr know what i wna do and the product. It is the first dessert tht i make. And i want to make use of it to find my lost love for food and the culinary art.

Life journey is fraughted with trials and tribulations, it kinda make us stronger mentally and physically.

Ashley Tan

The Will to Fight Till the End

The process of how you slog and work so hard are always ignore when the result you obtain is not tht good. Juz when i find myself feeling right at home with my classmates and beginning to like this course something have to happen. An unknown suspense tht making me feels scare, nervous and jumpy. I dunno whether i can take whatever tht is gg to be thrown to me. It like a repeat of last semester except tht there is an added element tht make it more scary. My mentor send me email and call me tdy to tell me to arrange a date with him next week. He gg to talk to my parents abt my common test result. He will be accompanied by the course manager. It on 3 Feb, Wednesday, 10am.

Tht day is suppose to be a day tht will be memorable to everyone in Food Science. Cuz it will be our product showcase. But this grave talk will put a dampener on it. My parents and sister had asked me to be mentally prepared tht they will ask me to repeat this course next yr as first year or drop this course. My parents and sister told me tht maybe i shld give it up and apply for a course in SHATEC. But im reluctant to do tht, i know it is my passion and dream to be a chef at a hotel or restaurant. But i want to finish this course before deciding on it.

Maybe it the competitive nature and never-give-up attitude in me tht make me want to finish this course and do well for it. Whatever challenges tht come my way i will take it on and triumph it. I will tell my mentor and the course manager tht if i do well for this coming exam then they will let me stay on. If not i will drop this course and go SHATEC. My parents are very supportive of whatever decision i make.

I will work hard for it. It a MUST! Never had i been so serious abt smth since my O lvl exam. I beginning to like this challenge. A fight tht will determine the outcome of my next school year. How exciting is that. Even though im feeling scared inside, i will still stay optimistic. Look on the bright side, i will take this as a driving force to do well for this coming exam.

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.

Thomas Jefferson

Flaws are also a Perfection

Don't you find that people are a unique and unusual creature. We tend to enlarge our flaws and dwell on it. But we have forgotten that we also have our own strengths. This strengths are often overlook by us in our pursuit of perfecting our flaws.

Im not perfect and often dwell on those flaws tht make me imperfect. But if i learned to embrace my flaws and make it part of my strengths and enlarge the strengths that i originally have then won't i be a much more powerful person!

Sometime it juz how we perceived things and at what perspective do we view it. Becuz the different perspective that we view things can channel a feeling and emotion that can be positive or negative.

So some ppl are born a natural optimistic while some are born pessimistic. This is becuz of the way the perceived things and the way they look at it. Regardless of all this, my only purpose is to be the guardian angel for the person that took my breath away.

I really want to be the yellow light that pours over everyone that i love

Conor Oberst

Confession to God and you

I have a confession to make. All my hard works are all a front tht is used to trick ppl into believing tht im a studious person. Maybe to them tht is hardworking. But to me it is all but a front to make myself out to be a studious nerd. Can't believe im confessing abt it. Up till now, i have always been one to succumb to temptations. I can't resist tht and time can be evidence of tht. No matter how hard i try to deny it. It is clearly etched in my heart and mind.

If i really worked hard then it will be natural tht i will get good grades but then now it doesn't seem tht way. My common test result is the worst grades tht i had ever seen. I can't believe either. But im not surprised maybe you can even say expected of it. So can say i had adjust my feeling alr. Maybe you will say what abt the big cry you had last semester! It is just a feeling if defiance. Cuz i wna defy all the odds stack against me as i havent done all the necessary work to get good grades.

David Bly once say "Striving for success without working hard is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted." Im like doing tht. What he say is true. Becuz you reap what you sow. I haven't done any serious revising so how in the hell do i expect myself to get good grades.

I always blame my parents, my siblings, my friends, luck, even God. But i never blame myself for the things that had happened to me. I always thought tht God wna pushed me to a corner with only an option for me to choose. But what don't realised is that God had given me alot of options, it just how i see it. Maybe it because i was blinded by my anger that i can't see tht He had arranged for me everything. it just whether i wanna take tht option and step, then i will surely be a success story that everyone will know abt.

Am i too late to realise that God is always there for me. Giving me unconditional love. What an ungrateful person im to ignore His love and option for me. He and my parents and siblings always have to endure my endless complaints of If i had done this... or tht.... I now firmly know what i should have done. To take the option God had given me and never regret and complain abt it again.

Because i know tht in life we can't have what we want so why not settle for smth tht can be a substitute for it. Is it too hard for me? Science something tht is always too profound for me to understand. Can i excel at it? If i work hard maybe i can. Maybe God is trying to mould me into somone who is capable to do well in something he hated. I hoped i won't disappoint Him.

At this instant tht i gained enlightenment. You won't see me turning back again. I will work hard at it. The show tht i put up in the past will be a signal at what i can do if i really put my heart and soul into it. Maybe this year i can't do tht well. But next year i will certainly do to the best of my ability.

I have target a GPA of 3.9 for my year 2!!!! You all tht read my blog will be the witness and i promise tht i will get tht.

A quote from a person tht i admired the most that is related to science.

Helen Keller once say " Science may have found the cure for most evil but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human being." Which basically means the indifference of us human can't be cured using science. To me it has to be cured using oure heart. If we use our heart to feel our surrounding then maybe the world will be a better place to be in. I think i have go off topic but thot maybe let you all know since it concern science too. Haha.

Hard work is painful when life is devoid of purpose. But when you live for something greater than yourself and the gratification of your own ego, then hard work becomes a labor of love.

Steve Pavlina

Flaws of the Century

Im not tht good at keep a happy face when im angry, sad or moody. People who know me well knew tht i will always show my emotion on my face. Cuz i dont feel the need to hide it. Im a straightforward person which can be seen with how i make my feelings known to ppl ard me. I dont talk when im angry, sad and moody. Cuz i dont wna hurt ppl with harsh words when it is not them tht are in the wrong.

Im not a great or perfect person at all. With so many flaws tht can be written in a piece of paper. Sometime i really detest myself for being such a useless person. Can you believe tht such a person exist and breathe the same air as you all! I cnt believe either, but tht me what can i do abt it. Stupid, slow, not proactive, cnt talk well to a gal to save his life, fucking introvert, lazy, procrastinator, not vocal even though he had smth to say, talentless, cnt even make up his mind abt what he wna do in life, too soft hearted, gullible, weak, short and thin! This flaws cnt even describe how unperfect im.

My only regret is tht i cnt live up to my parents' expectation. Im such a un decisive personm even though i really wna switch/quit this course. A part of me wna stay on and persevere while the other part wna live the dream tht i always dreamt abt. You see how fucking bad im. Maybe you all need to think twice before making friends with me. I cnt guarantee tht i will not make you one as well.

Cnt believe tht kind of person right? Dont be surprise cuz it the REAL me. Maybe this will help you to see clearly who i really am. Then maybe you can break the ties with me.

Im so gna love loneliness cuz i have so many books tht i havent finish reading yet. Maybe i can spend all my time reading book. Reading a book on a quiet day and sipping a cup of coffee is way better than going out and jostling with the crowds at Orchard or Bugis!

Diving for eternal suffering

We all have our own set of principles. Whatever it might be, it can indirectly be the trigger tht make them do things tht maybe good or bad. Sometime people fight becuz they felt tht the set of principles is being threatened and will fight to protect it. To all of us, our principles are something tht are valued above all. It inevitably make us who we are in terms of personality and empathy.

My principles are always about putting my friends and family before me. Their interests come before mine. Maybe it is hard to believe. But for them i will sacrifice the money that i saved for many weeks so tht i can go out with them to watch movies or have dinner. I will also care for people tht are less fortunate than me as their plight often bring tears to my eyes. So i will look for way to help them. The smallest gesture like giving up my seats to someone needy is something tht i do and hope many people will do as well. I also dont believe in making use of people to get what i want and sacrifice them to achieve what i want. Becuz i think that this is something brutal and cruel. Making use of people feeling for me to my own advantage is something tht i will not do and never will.

Im what God make me out to be. However lousy im, i will not complain cuz i believe tht each has its own forte. Maybe mine is different from yours. Being branded parasitic, lazy, irresponsible and most of all not doing anything when project or group work is concern. I beg to differ, as my principles state im not one to make use of people so why would i make use of them, letting them do more than me in term of workload. I may be clumsy and slow but im definitely not one to shirk from my responsibility. People always ask me "Is it better to do with him or her." It seems like they are hinting and indicating tht they are doing the most work while im slacking and doing slip-shod work. Im controlling myself not to spew out all the profanities tht i heard over the years at them. Maybe it becuz they are more intelligent than me so tht make them seem like their capability are way above me.

If tht how they viewed me then they can see me in tht light for the rest of their lives. I dont care and wont explain. I will just use my action to make you realise it. But if it still not working then i will let you see me in tht light for the rest of your boring live.

We all tend to view people with microscopic eyes that will find the smallest of fault within them. But what we forget is that we also have flaws and faults.

Ashley Tan

Fleeting memories of last year

2009 was a great year for me. It holds many unforgettable memories tht i wont frgt forever. I met a group of friends who hold dear in my heart. They made me realised the what it like to have friends and be cared for. They are very important to me and i hope im important to them as well. We call our clique, ZGC but it looks like im the one tht does the most of it. Haha! My clique was there for me when im down. They encouraged me and make me have the will to stand up again. They helped me to regain my confidence and always tell me not to be emo and be happy. They advised me to talk more and smile more. They are angry when i did not opened up and talked more to them. So for their sake and mine as well, i gradually opened up and talked more. Recently i have also become more cheerful and less emo with regards to things.

Thanks You all very much and i loved you all. My heart will always have a special place for you.

I started my poly life in NYP Food Science. At there, i met my class who did not really stand out alot. Maybe it was me tht was asking too much. But over the months of being with them. I gradually find tht they are awesome people. Although other may say otherwise, i still feel tht they are special. They are kind people who are very driven in their studies. This is what i like the most abt them. This means tht there wont be any incessant talking from my class when lectures are going on. They are also Science people who like their Science alot or shld i say to a very large extent. They all wanna be scientist, researcher, chemist or even nutritionist. Woot! What ambitious people they are. I feel kinda proud to be ard them and have them as my classmates.

Being with them has it disadvantages though. They sometimes get on my nerve with their constant criticism and mockery of my weight, height and voice. It not like i want tht either. Some of them are like some snob, doesnt wna talk to me!! Oh well, if tht the case then i see no reason to make friend with you. There are also people who just doesnt care abt people feeling and always tread on raw nerve. If people dont scold them it doesnt mean they scare of you or what it just tht we dont want and dont care abt you. We juz wna let you be bashed, assaulted or fucking ostracised by other people when you started your working life with tht attitude still intact. It was time like this tht i juz wished to quit this course and be an apprentice chef.

There are still some people tht are kind and caring and will teach me when im very weak in a module or dunno how to do a question. They have to put up with my lateness which is quite serious and i thanks them for them. They are good people and i loved them for tht.

My course is kinda hard and i have not scored very well for all my tests. It something tht had put a blemish on 2009. I have worked hard but still it is not enough and i find myself lagging behind all my classmates. But still im not giving up cuz of a quote tht i come across from my friend blog. What the quote say really make me wake up.

Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience. Quote by Victoria Holt. This quote kinda make me wake up and stop dwelling on my one botched mistake. And start working hard. Even though this course is not a course i like, i will still work hard to be the best in this course. I want to be proud of myself on what i have achieved in this course.

Overall 2009 has been an awesome year with my friends in poly (Joel, Haris, YX and Alvin and the gals in the class). My friends in ZGC (Neecia, YR, YL, JQ, Lewis, Daniel, Jimmy, JJ and JH) You all are awesome people and have affected my 2009. It had let it be an awesome year and i will smile when i think abt it again. Thanks You all and you all ROCK!

The songs that i wna present to you are My Love by Westlife and You Found Me by The Fray.

Love you all!!

Life Prophecy

In life we always have things tht we want to do and like to do. But since we gt want and like there is gna be dont want and dislike. In life we cnt do things as we wish and want cuz there is gna be limitation tht limit whr we will go. Sometime this inevitably caused us to determine whr we wll gna be. A lot of time ppl will think it is fated and wont do anything to change it.

But to me fate can be changed! One shldnt bowed down to fate easily. Becuz even though im in NYP Food Science. I will still work hard to be the best chef in the world. I admit tht at times im slacking ard during my lecture, but tht doesnt equal to me not wrking hard. I juz isnt much of a science person so at times it hard for me to concentrate in lecture.

1994 Oscar nomination for best picture, Forrest Gump, Gump's mother once say "Life is like a box of chocolate. You wouldnt know what you gg to taste." I tasted sadness and bitterness when i didnt do well for my common test, tasted anger when i failed one module for the recent common test when i have revised for tht.

So you shld see tht im trying my hardest to be the science person tht you all are. But tht doesnt means tht im giving up my dream of becoming a world class chef. All of us only lived once, so do what you like so tht you wont have any regrets when you die. If i dont dare to go against what God has installed for me when He ask me to study food science and be a scientist. I will definitely regret it. I know tht a soft person like me isnt suited for the competitive world of culinary. But if i dont even give myself a chance, who will give me the chance?

On to something tht is close to us. What will you do if a pregnant woman enter a mrt? This Monday, i witnessed an incident tht i wont frgt. I enter the mrt at yck and ride it to khatib. When i tried to move to the rear when i noticed a pregnant women standing there. She is holding onto the handrail on a crowded mrt and i looked ard me. Nobody sitting on the seat want to give up their seat! Even ppl sitting on the priority seat. At tht instance, my thought is, is she ok for she may have take this train from raffles. I cnt believe ppl are still tht inconsiderate after all the education. I noticed a young gal sitting on the priority seat with her brother and mother. I was like why cnt the mother give up the seat so tht this will inadvertently be instilled into her children to be considerate and give up the seat to someone who need it more than you.

Life will be more meaningful and happy when you help those in need. Even the smallest gesture like giving up a seat will bring warmth to you when tht person thank you and tht person will be touched by such a gesture.

2010 MY YEAR

Everytime during the start of a year, ppl will have a set of new year resolution which they want to achieve but in the end they nvr achieve. It kinda sad tht they had a set of resolution but nvr achieve tht. They always wait till it is the start of a year then they will have a set of resolution they wna achieve. But in the end the set of resolution is chucked into the back of their mind and they will forget tht they had actually set it at all!!

WTF! Set a resolution then frgt all abt it. Might as well dont waste your time to think of what to write for your resolution. It juz fucking waste your time and effort. If you really mean it you will not need to show it off to ppl abt it on fb or whatsoever. It juz a matter of the thought. Resolution is a way of setting goals for yourself to achieve. It not to let ppl see and they will think oh, wow he so good , so ambitious. Wish him luck and scribble all sort of encouragement for him on his wall. If you dont really know the meaning of new year resolution then you wont realise the important of it.

Fucked up with this ppl, screw them upside down till they cnt sit straight. They misled ppl abt what resolution is abt and tht is a sinful thing to do. Dont talk abt this ppl.

2010 is gna be my year!! I can feel it in my blood and mind. Be it love or school. I gna top it all. New year resolution is my set of goals to achieve in this year.

Charmed everyone with my charisma

Dont get angry when ppl fucking say tht i cnt talk to save my life (Soft or incomprehensible tht your problem)

Have the most fun in this year( Meaning gna drink,club and socialise my way to 2011)

Gain some fucking cm and kg.( Damn irritating to hear ppl say oh you are too short, oh you are so skinny. WTF! It not like i want this!)

Have the most fun on my birthday( Not gna be so emo like last yr ZGC you heard tht! We have the most fun on my birthday!!)

Do my part for Earth( Mother Earth is sick and i shld do smth abt it)

Find the right gal to fall in love(She must be able to make me give up on loving the tenant living in my heart for 5 yrs. I not tht despo, i'll wait patiently)

Be good in frisbee so tht i can compete as part of NYPU(My promise with him)

Be mellow and not so hot tempered(Tht kinda hard.)

2010 gna be my year whether you agree anot. The start of a year signify the ending of a bad 2009 with so many disasters to happen to Earth! My only wish for God to listen if he can hear me. I wish tht global warming will gradually lose it speed so tht nth will happen to Earth. It only a simple wish but it concern the whole world. I hope my wish will come true.